为什么我总是跟155cm的男生这么“有缘分”，这个已经是第三个了，唉！我没有在歧视小矮人，只是这个身高的男生性格都好像特别奇怪罢了（应该是自卑的关系吧==）。
好好的一个大好人，样子不错声音好听又对每个人都很gentleman，认识了两个月后却越变越奇怪，真的很可惜，如果他维持以前那样的话我现在应该已经暗恋着他了，可是他没有。异常的热情、过分的对我好、whatsapp里面超恶心的message。。。我会怕，真的很不喜欢！

开心不开心

最近有开心也有不开心。
不开心是因为有人分手一个月后就有了新女友，可是干我屁事。我根本没有权力去抱怨什么。。虽然还是有稍稍抱怨了一下，然后让Hairy睡地上。然后偶尔哭着把它抱回床上。很白痴对不对。很复杂的情绪。。非常鄙视和讨厌他，非常看不起自己为什么之前要内疚那么久，然后又很愧疚地想为什么我要这么讨厌一个曾经这么疼我为我付出那么多的人。然后再想他之前有没有真心喜欢过我还是只是想找个女朋友，然后又恨他恨到要死，然后又愧疚因为他是真的有很疼过我，然后一直轮。。。
开心是因为同事们真的都很好人，当我小妹妹一样照顾，每天都被他们逗得很开心一直笑不停。虽然我做东西很慢，理解能力慢，也常常忘记check好来，可是他们还是没有计较，尤其是我的supervisor，只是提醒我下次小心一点，然后继续跟我开玩笑。很开心，可是同时又很难过因为我要开始找工作了，我是真的不想离开这间公司。
然后大家姐星期六就要结婚了！♥♥
嗯就这样吧。

Lately

5am and I can't sleep. Not in the mood to write a proper blog post so I'll just jot down some updates about my current life lately.

1. I've just started my internship on Tuesday. Boss planned to transfer me over to their new company so I didn't have anything to do. Same goes for Wednesday. Thursday Johnny brought me over to the new place. Still nothing to do coz there was only Chin Peng besides the 2 of us, and he wasn't my supervisor or anything. Friday went to work together with Chin Peng, my supervisor (Wei Yin) was there (again, only 3 of us, Johnny wasn't there), so I got some mini things to do.

2. I had quite a happy week especially on Thursday. Johnny is cute and nice and so is Chin Peng. Wei Yin is also nice but since he's my supervisor so he got a bit of 距离感 (nothing to do with age, probably bcoz he's very pro). I haven't met the boss at all. Don't even know what he looks like.

3. I'm single. Still don't feel like talking about it. I keep seeing him in other people, hearing his voice when they talk to me, wish they'd stop repeating what he's told me before.

4. Emo. A lot of pimples lately. Fat face. Very ugly. Insomnia. Feel like vomiting.

5. I'm done with this post.

心里的 _ 子

发现到心里的孩子很适合跟心里的狮子连在一起听！
首先它们的歌名很像，然后听了心里的孩子后一定会emo，所以就要听心里的狮子来激励自己。

心里的孩子


破滅的美夢  一個又一個
雖然心很痛卻還是微笑著
別人總愛說 妳已長大了
不能待在幻想裡面活著

學會化妝 去遮掩些什麼
學會先沉默 再察言觀色
本來的我呢 快不記得
我害怕我會習慣不快樂

在心裡 的孩子 扮大人 的樣子
一開始 有意思 後來雙眼總潮濕
在心裡 的孩子 盼誰來 講故事
讓不安失望 暫時靜止 

雷雨不來 又哪有彩虹呢
能自我安慰 是必修的課
不確定我是 變得隨和
或累得慢慢放棄了原則

在心裡 的孩子 扮大人 的樣子
一開始 有意思 後來雙眼總潮濕
在心裡 的孩子 盼誰來 講故事
讓不安失望 暫時靜止

在心裡 的孩子 後悔曾 很固執
太好奇 許多事 不顧後果的嘗試 
在心裡 的孩子 常祈禱 有天使
借一雙翅膀 逃離現實
不愛看自己 哭的樣子

心里的狮子

一夕改變的命運 一夜長大的必須
渺小的自己 假裝平靜
巨大的孤寂 卻騷動不已 

我們緊握著手心 眼睛微笑成星星
在子夜輪替 守護指引
外面太冰冷 就披上風衣 

帶著站在心裡的獅子
穿過更像叢林的城市
沒有意志 就沒有鑰匙
能打開未來做最想做的事 

跟著跑在心裡的獅子
優雅但卻勇敢地嘗試
擁有支持 才擁有天使
完成我一個人做不到的事 

有陪伴的人不害怕
不害怕的人最瀟灑
只要邁的步伐夠大
被貼的標籤會飛走吧

Koko Krunch

So I was walking back to my hostel room from the academic block just now, and was feeling quite hungry, so I stopped by INTI Mart to go buy some biscuits or whatever, but couldn't find any biscuits that I liked.

Then I passed by the cereal shelf and saw that a free musical figurine comes inside each big box of Koko Krunch.
But RM10.80 leh. And as a rule I don't really like to eat Koko Krunch that much, and have never eaten it again since about 2 or 3 years ago, when I bought a big box of Koko Krunch just because I saw this guy inside the box.

His right leg can move up and down de leh

But then I got a sore throat and then a fever after eating the whole box in one night. So that's why I never bought Koko Krunch again after that.

But today this one.. hello it's a MUSICAL figurine inside leh.. you're supposed to fill it with water and blow it and it's gonna produce some sort of sound, and when you rub its back it's supposed to produce another sound. Walao! How to not buy?

However, I'm SO PROUD to announce that I did restrain myself from buying the big one. Even though I couldn't resist buying the smaller box for RM6.50 because it comes with a balancing figurine. :/ I bought it just because I was curious about how it would look like (never seen before ma). Definitely not because I'm a fan of collecting free stuff or whatever. Nope.

Oh so that's where my 48kg came from.

Free flask for the same price as no free flask, which would you choose?

Anyway. Here it is.

REALLY CAN BALANCE LEH SO FUN!

See got sticker some more leh

But now I'm kinda wishing that I bought the RM10.80 one instead. Musical figurine leh. But RM10.80 and sore throat. I must bear that in mind.

只要是曾经对我很重要的人，他们的生日日期我一般上都能记很久很久，不管是中学的好朋友还是中学时喜欢过的那些人（说真的，好多）还是大学的朋友还是大学喜欢过的那些人（比较少）~

可是记得又怎样，现在我连一句简单的生日快乐都不想post在他们的facebook wall那边了，不是不记得，只是我很清楚自己在他们的生活中已经没有任何地位、没有任何意义了，所以即使是现在还用着某个人的生日日期as其中一个非常非常重要的密码（已经用了4年，越久我就越不想换，因为越久我就越跟那个人没有关系（虽然说本来就没什么关系==），就越难被坏人猜到，那个户口就越安全），我今年还是选择完全Ignore掉他的生日，然后ymy的也一样（tmd我现在才想起ymy好像从认识到现在从来没有祝过我生日快乐！:@ ），然后以前两个中学朋友（我以为）也一样（虽然我一直都没有跟她们很熟），TT和YH的也一样，其实我通通都还记得=.= 

p/s: 这个post我好像只是要证明自己记性好罢了 : - /

p/p/s: 真的很好XD

1st Job Interview: Expectations Vs Reality

Expectations

Gary sends me to KTM station early in the morning, I take KTM to KL Sentral, take LRT to KLCC, walk to Megan Avenue II. Megan Avenue II looks like a large, empty shopping mall. DMF Technology (company name) is an office-like-shop inside the shopping mall. I walk and walk and find it. 

I peek into the office. White lighting. People walking around, some chatting, some doing their work. I visit the toilet and take a pee, apply my lip gloss, smoothen my hair and shirt, giving myself an utterly decent and professional appearance.

Then I go back to the office, knock on the glass door, and timidly push open the door. I tell the girl at the counter that I've come for an interview session. She invites me to sit down and wait as it's still half an hour before the interview starts. Then the interviewer comes, a middle-aged Chinese man. 

I answer all his questions with my well-memorized answers, laughing politely at the right places, and ask intelligent questions about the company. I tell him that my programming skills are really not bad, and I like programming. I have good logical thinking skills. I'm shy and I need time to warm up to people and have problems in making eye contact. He replies that you're doing very well now. I beam in happiness. I tell him that one of my (supposed) weaknesses are that I need clear instructions before starting on a task because I'm afraid of doing anything wrong. He replies that that's very good. I give a decent answer to the "why should we hire you" question. And finally asks him "are you willing to hire me". He smiles and says yes. I laugh happily and we sign offer letters. He introduces me to all the colleagues and we dine together. I take the LRT and KTM home.

- END -

Reality

I go to Gary's house for dinner one day before the interview. Gary's parents are shocked to hear that I'm going to an unknown company in an unfamiliar location all alone. Gary's parents insist on sending me all the way there and accompanying me right into the office, because they're worried of my safety (afraid of me being cheated and raped and so on). I try to reassure them that I'll be fine and I want to learn to be independent. They win the debate and I wonder when will I ever be able to repay them for everything they've done for me.

Gary's parents fetch me to KL. Traffic jam. We reach Megan Avenue II. Parking space for visitors is super far down. Then we go round and round the building trying to find the office. By the time we find it, it's ten minutes late for the interview. The office is dark, black and red seems to be its theme colors, has a gongxifacai banner along the top of the doorframe, and is VERY SMALL.

Presses the doorbell of the office. A smiling guy comes to open the door and asks me if I'm Mable. I say yes and apologize profusely for being late. He says it doesn't matter. Uncle and Aunty sits down and waits for me to finish my interview and fetch me back, instead of leaving right away. Guiltiness++++.

Smiling guy (the nice one who answered the phone two days ago and taught me exactly how to travel to KLCC and walk to the office) takes me to a table and gives me some forms to fill up. He says he didn't expect that I would bring my parents. I explain the situation to him and he is even more surprised. He tells me to tell UncleAunty to go downstairs and have a drink first or something, because this is going to take some time. They don't want to at first, but after about half an hour or so they change their minds. 

Ok, to come back to me. I ask smiling guy who is going to be interviewing me, and he says that it was originally a software engineer, but as she's in a meeting, he will replace her as interviewer, but still need to gain her approval for an official job offer. Then I apologize again for being late and ask “迟到有扣分吗？” then he says “没有啦。:D” I'm filling in the employee application form happily, quite many pages, when I come to the end of the page and notice Another piece of paper laying comfortably below. IT'S A TEST. WRITTEN TEST. I glance at smiling guy who's doing his work nearby. I look back at the test. It's a test for us to write out simple functions. In whichever programming language we want. Should be easy. 

Then I realize that I've forgotten ALL THE BASIC FUNCTIONS that I've ever learnt. No choice. Have to invent my own code and go the roundabout way, write n lines of code when probably only 5 lines are needed. After about half an hour of me scrunching up my face, squeezing my eyes shut trying to squeeze some logic out, and glancing around for some inspiration, I accidentally drop my pen on the table and smiling guy turns around.
"Finished liao ar? ^_^ " he says.  Oh btw all our conversations were totally in Mandarin. 

"No," I reply wearily. 

"It's all very basic stuff la," says he. 

"I know, but I've somehow forgotten everything," says the reckless me, brain totally emptied of my carefully categorized 'What To Say' and 'What Not To Say'. "Can I use Google?"

"Hahaha that's considered as 出猫 la," says smiling guy. "If cannot do then just leave it blank la, really never mind de."

"NO NO NO I can do it, just give me some more time," I plead, and proceed to struggle with the really basic functions.

Finally I finish. Smiling guy comes over and looks through the paper. "Wah, not bad ma, can finish leh, correct somemore."

"What? Correct meh? 2nd question confirm wrong I tell you," says someone who's so stressed over the test, that she isn't bothering to filter her thoughts.

"No la that one was just to test whether you are willing to complete it or not, some people just give up on the spot." And I was like :O okay. Then we had a conversation but I don't remember what we said. I just remember that it was so normal that I totally forgot that I was going to be interviewed. Something like him telling me that there are a few interns leaving in July so they're in quite a rush to find new interns now, and him asking me about my internship period, and saying that usually other students are 6 months one (while mine is just 4), then I told him that I really don't mind as long as they hire me (wtf desperado over here), and he said “真的吗等下耽误到你毕业” and me saying "nvm毕业不重要” and so on. 

“So...我看过你的qualifications全部都很Ok。来现在可以跟我介绍一下你自己吗？”

“Oh ok... ermmmm...”

Thirty seconds fly past as I struggle to capture fragments of my carefully prepared answer script to the Tell Me About Yourself question.

“Erm...那个。。。我真的有准备的可是我忘记了我要讲什么。。因为我都是准备英文的”

“不用紧张，慢慢来，英文的也可以啊”

“Erm.....可是英文的也忘记了。。。。。你想知道什么？”

“什么都可以啊，你在学校读过什么那些。”

“Erm...我们有学programming还有很多theory那些，其实我的programming是不错的可是通常过了一个sem后就会生锈了，所以C啊C++那些我通通都忘记了的。”（（什么烂答案

“哈哈不用紧啦，做下做下就会记回来了的。”

“可以用Google的哦？”

“当然可以啊”

“那就没有问题了咯。。然后我在你们的网站那边看到你们有做那个biometric device的hor那个我不会咧。”

“哦，那个不用你做啦，不用担心！”

“okok...然后你们这里只是用blablbla软件罢了Hor？”

“嗯，还有crystal report~"　

“那个我不会！”

“放心啦会教你的啦”

“嗯好好 ^_^”

“嗯，继续介绍你自己？”

“Erm...优点缺点那些可以讲吗？”

“可以啊可以啊全部都讲什么都讲”

30秒后。。。“我可以看笔记吗，我真的忘记了。。。"（（其实我有记得其中一个是说我的Logical thinking skills还不错，然后i'm able to meet deadlines。。。可是after刚才那个笔试我到底还有什么资格讲出这种话？

“你觉得咧？~~~”

“不可以，可是我是真的忘记了~~~”

“那个~如果真的是那种上司interview你的话你下次真的要做好准备咧，不可以像现在这样”

“我真的有准备有背好好了的咧，可是刚才考了一个试后就忘记了，我现在给你的印象是不是很糟糕！”

“没有啦没有啦~ ”

“这里的老板是哪个？” （（快速转移话题

“里面那个，今天没有在噢”

“老板凶的吗？”

“不会阿，老板很好笑的啦”

“这里有凶凶的人的吗？”

“嗯。。是有几个啦呵呵呵”

“会跟我有关系的吗？以后如果我进到来的话会接触到他们的吗？”

“应该不会啦 :) ”

“做么你们公司的人都这么静的都没有讲话的？”（（因为突然感觉自己好像有点吵

“因为他们大家都在做programming啊，根本忙到没有时间讲话。”（（倒吸了一口气，心里想我以后应该惨了

“我看到那个工作内容，intern真的是会接触到整个SDLC（software development lifecycle）的吗？”

“对啊对啊，什么都会丢给你们做”

“哦，我就是因为看到那个所以我觉得应该有很多东西可以学。。所以我们需要出去见client的吗？”

“是真的很多东西学阿，不会给你一个人去的啦，可是会给你跟着一个senior去”

“我需要讲话的吗？可以做笔记的吗？”

“不用讲话的啦，当然可以啊，是给你去看下要怎么跟client谈而已”

“如果我静静的话client会不会觉得我很奇怪？”

“不会啦他知道你是trainee啊”

以此类推。。。。我后来继续像机关枪似的问了一大堆有的没的的问题。。。关于公司网站上面的资料的，关于公司的，关于工作内容的。。== 变成好像我在interview他了。。。然后那个tell me about yourself 如我所愿完全被遗忘掉了。说真的如果要我跟他讲我的biggest weakness是Shy的话，那个时候的我真的没有脸说出口。。。interview那时候的我只能用两个字形容：三八。原本准备了3-4个很有水准的问题，结果问了至少50个各种各类的问题，而且重点是我问问题的pattern一点都不是一个professional interview candidate应该有的，比较像是一个小孩对某件事情很好奇然后一直有问不完的问题。。。

真的。。遇到这样的interviewer不懂是好还是坏，因为他就是一直以跟朋友聊天的方式跟我沟通，所以我很放松可是同时也很担心，所以变到异常的38！我原本想要塑造的那个“斯文，有气质，单纯却又有实力”的形象跑哪去了！现在完全是个很三八，很吵，完全没有见过世面，对大人的世界感到很好奇，却什么都不会做的小屁孩在那边滔滔不绝的耽误他的工作。

没错每当电话响一次然后他跟我说“等一下啊”的时候（电话响了好几次），我都会隐约的觉得我自己很啰嗦，aunty uncle还在楼下喝着茶等着我，smiling guy应该也很忙，是时候结束这场非常不正式的interview了。。可是每次他讲完电话后回来都会跟我讲一些新的内容然后我又有新的问题。。。

。。。

总之，到最后，他一直跟我讲“我觉得你应该ok的啦，没有问题，我等那个software engineer回来跟她讲，她同意了就ok了的”，然后我一直很怕他只是想当好人不想毁掉公司的形象。

然后踏出公司的门的时候我就找不到电梯，原来电梯就在门旁边（我哪记得），然后他就跟我说“你真的hmm...还蛮年轻的。。。像你这样真的很容易被人家骗走，还好你遇到的是我们不是什么坏人，以后出去真的要小心一点。”（p/s: 他所谓的“年轻”可以直接被翻译成幼稚。）

然后Interview就结束了。然后他刚才就打电话来说有好消息就是那个Software engineer刚开完会回来然后决定收我了。然后他跟我说可以不要急着接受这个Job offer先，可以先try下别的公司，不然以后后悔就来不及了。可是最迟月尾要给答复。

然后我现在还在想明天应不应该去OCBC Bank的 interview然后尝试下一个超正式的 interview的滋味。可是我真的不想。而且也并没有打算去那边工作。可是又怕后悔！

然后那个DMF虽然那个interviewer他人真的很好，可是如果连我这种人都收的话，他们应该真的缺人缺到一种危险的地步吧。。。难以想象以后自己也会变成那种忙到没有时间说话的样子（应该2天后就要住院了吧，我刚才回到来就直接夏眠到凌晨两点多了）。。。然后我在jobstreet看的时候，8 applicants for this position (10 internship positions），while其他公司都有十多个到四十多个applicants在争5个internship positions。。。。

应不应该咧？可是就像我说的那样，应该可以学到很多东西，然后工钱也ok（RM700对我来说真的超多），只是现在还找不到地方住罢了（可是这个不是重点）。

Daddy把榴莲树砍完后，我还以为再也不能用“很多树的那间”来向外人形容我们的家了。
可是后来Daddy开始种菜了。

。。。依然是那间“有很多树”的家。。。

悲。观。

第七年的这一天，我只想以逃避的方式度过。
什么时候才能乐观地面对这回事，什么时候才能学会以感恩的心态来面对，我真的不知道。
把妳带走也就算了，可是为什么那些回忆也要连同一起剥夺。
现在记忆中的妳的画面只剩下：
1。2007年吵架吵得很凶的那两次
2。五年级地方研究考57分被打得很严重（然而我记起的不是妳而只是藤鞭的痛）
3。妳进医院的前几天：坚持自己洗衣，把subang说成supermarket，把medicine说成toilet paper
4。病床上昏迷的妳
5。棺木中的妳
6。没了
这些东西到底有什么好记的？？？？！
而现在也只能不断地翻着旧相片，试图翻出一丝丝的回忆，然而看着看着也只觉得自己在看着一群陌生人的故事。

虽然说即使真的记起了也没怎么样。可是就是很想抓住这些回忆。

从日期中可以看得出这就是我们的最后一张单独合照。谁也没想到不到两个星期后妳就莫名其妙地进医院然后故事就结束了。

Facebook帐号里的1760个好友原来真的只不过是一个数目-.-
原来要找30个出来填一份问卷都这么难。
姐姐帮我share了男朋友帮我share了，我自己也在private message那里一个一个找了一堆人~
一堆已读不回的人-.-
3天里面才找到29个人~ 我的人缘也实在太差了-.-

Getting so tired of seeing "Haters gonna hate" on various photos and videos all over facebook.
Please la don't be so drama king and drama queen, nobody's even remotely interested in hating you.
Grow up.

And Also. To those China people who keep complaining about Malaysia and Malaysia's Government.
To those Malaysian citizens who are quick to defend themselves by saying "IT'S OUR GOVERNMENT'S FAULT, NOT OUR FAULT, IF WANT TO BLAME BLAME THE GOVERNMENT, WE ALSO ASHAMED OF OUR GOVERNMENT" and sharing stuff like this on the internet (saying how useless our government is, see, even outsiders are scolding our government).
HOW OLD ARE YOU HAR? Don't tell me you didn't watch the video of the Indian Ocean. If you so clever then you go find the plane la?! Walao! And even receiving the help from other countries is deemed as "useless"? Ok lo then why don't you represent our country and go find the plane on your own. Then you'll make Malaysia have something to be proud of. Zzz really feel like unfriending a lot of people lately. Or leaving long comments in capital letters under their posts.

As for the China people i really no comment liao. I know grief can do a lot to a person. But that's no excuse. And I don't believe all of those who are scolding about Malaysia are really sincerely grieving. You just want to cause trouble that's all because you're childish like that.

Why tell us to keep on hoping when all hope had actually ended 16 days ago?
Why promise and break promises?
Whom can we trust anymore?

RIP MH370, RIP church-member. May all family members, relatives and friends of those on the plane stay strong and their wounds eventually be healed.

Event终于结束了，assignments却要死了~
从这次的event中真的学习到很多东西，真的很多，同时也再次深深地体会到“大人的世界真的很恐怖”这个道理。
- 完 -

Things are getting too much to handle.
Just finished crying and shouting aloud to nobody "dun kacau me i already have so many things to do u think i'm very free is it".
Schedule for this week is totally packed and i have 1 assignment and 1 test due this week, and 2 heavy assignments due next week. This weekend cannot do any work at all and have to wake up before 7am from Friday to Sunday. Tomorrow whole day totally no time to do anything starting from 8am until about 12am like that. Thursday also no time to do anything and i have a test on Thursday.
And still u are asking me to book this book that, ok fine this is not a problem, but after i already booked the thing for 1 or 2 weeks later u suddenly tell me to change the thing to another thing. And it's not once only but multiple times. U think i very free is it? always so last minute. U think printing and reprinting memos is free is it? I swear i've spent at least rm100 on the printing costs of this club.
I'm not even interested in this stupid tournament wtf drag me in and dun allow me to quit, told me i will have less things to do than last sem! Shit, i can understand if u want to 费心费力 about this thing coz it's ur passion, but i have never even touched a badminton racquet in my life nor do i want to touch the thing!
#hatesthewholeworld
#nervousbreakdownontheway
#stressuntilkeepcryingshitloadsoftears

Random Pics

Just wanted to update my blog so here's some random pics of toys and me.

Nosey and angpao

MaLingShu

Balloon and ET

The balloon was given out for free during Valentine's day and it's still in my cupboard, large as life. And I dunno what to do with it coz it doesn't look like it will deflate anytime soon (at least not before I go for internship in September) and I don't like to burst balloons. And it came with a RM50 Fahrenheit free voucher which is expiring at the end of March.

Super ugly

Super ugly x 2

This is me after crying nonstop for just 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours and I already became like this. Eyebags became white and swollen and i single eyelid until the next day's afternoon nap. -.- I put these 2 pics here to remind myself to never try this again the consequences are really too terrible.

Fully recovered and decided to zilian with dear little HBB. ^_^ He's the only toy I kiss every time I see him, and it's not as if he's very kissable either (too hairy for my preference, i prefer fat white faces like Baby Jack)... it's simply because he's too cuddly and cute.

The haze in Nilai is quite horrible but better today. At least it's breezy today.

See this is why i have to restrict you all the time.
Stop it please, you're not being friendly, just being damn annoying.
Stop sharing my stuff on Facebook.
I don't mind if they're links, or even statuses with useful information.
But personal statuses?
PROFILE PICTURES?
Profile pictures were the main reason why i restricted you in the first place. Sharing my photos is already considered as a big offence to me (regardless of your reason, i know you were just being proud of me but whatever). Sharing my SAME photo THREE TIMES is too much.
So I restricted you.
And then yesterday i forgot and set my status as public and you had to share it again.
...
What's the point even.... -.-

我很生气

hate unfairness. 做到像狗酱，没日没夜，结果分数还不是跟什么屁都没做的人一样，甚至更低，真tmd不爽，为什么有些人就是能每次什么都不做的时候拿到跟我一样的分，在其他assignment比我多做一样东西的时候就比我高分（不过其实事实上我做的分量还是比较多）。

然后几个sem后就说咦？上几个sem的assignment我怎么弄丢了，那时候做到这么辛苦。。。事实上你一粒米都没有写到，当然不在你那边！你辛苦，你辛苦什么，人家一个人赶了好几天好几夜，然后你在最后一天晚上出来“一起做”，其实只是帮忙“找资料”，却什么资料都没有找到！

我真的，原本不想显得这么小气的，可是现在心情真的很差很差很差。。。很不爽很不爽很不爽！

明明就不应该不爽你（们）的，因为我知道你（们）平时都对我很好，人也很好，可是谈“分”伤感情，我是真的很不爽！

还有那个system，为什么分数这么低，老师你的要求我都有做到了，你还想怎样？！当初不见你给多一点requirements！现在全班最低分是什么意思？！ecommerce website原本就不能拿来跟game比较啊？！背后的努力你看见了多少？你如果还有什么要求你不会说清楚？？你要的东西都做给你了结果分数还扣扣扣！什么意思！有本事你做啊你做啊？！

i thought this is group work? y like every piece of shit also need me to do?
documentation also u cannot do? system also cannot do? email lecturer also cannot do? print document also cannot do???
ur hand patah or what? i thought 5 people in a group? y like only 1.5 people doing the work???
really fed up liao this time. luckily next sem is the last sem that i will have the chance to group with u guys.
all i can say is.... all the best to ur future colleagues.

Just now I was browsing through facebook when I accidentally clicked into this guy's profile.. Was so shocked.

He was a guy from INTI and Nilai CMC, was once so active in church and cell groups.. then graduated some time earlier..

He has now turned towards Satanism, and hates Christians.

His posts now are all about Satanism: quotes, satanic songs etc, and describes Christians as hypocrites.

Stalked further and found out that apparently someone in the church has hurt him and let him down.

I never really knew him (indeed i've never talked to him before), but I thought he was one of those "perfect youth Christians with strong faith hope and joy in the Lord".

It just shows that I'm really a person who never looks beyond the surface.

This is so sad that it's really difficult to find words to say it.. 1st time crying over this kind of thing.

All I can do is pray, because I really don't know what else I can do for him... his friends have already said in their comments all that can be said... and yet he won't listen.

He thinks he has grown up... he thinks.

What's the use of growing up if you're growing towards the wrongest direction ever?

This is why it's so important to pray, study the Bible, 灵修 each day... You have to turn your eyes on God, build a relationship with Him, have true faith in Him and feel His presence each day... Not only mix with the people in the church, coz it's not Churchism, it's Christianism. That's the mistake he made...

This has taught me something as well... so many of the people in church which I thought had a very mature spiritual life... how many of them are truly mature? how many of them only appear to be so? Caring and praying for each other is really more important than it seems. I mean like truly seriously caring. Not only making sure they're in church.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Someone has told me before that this world is not as perfect as I think... not all people are as good as I think. Not everything that seems wrong, is really wrong. But this is what's important. To be able to differentiate wrong from right. Lying is wrong. Hating is wrong. Going against any of the teachings of the Bible is wrong. As Christians, we are called to be the light of the world. The light in this world of darkness, where black tries to pollute white and make it gray. To quote lyrics from the song People Need the Lord: "We are called to take His light to a world where wrong seems right. What could be too great a cost for sharing Life with one who's lost?"

Matthew 18:3 And said, "Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."

We really have to become like children. A child that is obedient. A child with a steadfast and pure faith in God. A child that does not know how to lie "for the sake of everyone". In the eyes of children, in the eyes of the child that we once were, the difference between wrong and right is as clear as black and white. We don't have to complicate things.

I like this song very much. It applies not only to kids, but also to all Christians.. as we are growing in Him each day. Longing after Him each day, inviting Him to be king in our lives each day, committing all our words and actions to Him. Never forgetting Him, in all times, in all situations.

feeling worse

Feeling very unwell since yesterday, too much gas in my stomach.

Turns out my period came 4 days early.

G was very nice to me (i couldn't ask for more), and he bought ENO for me too.

I just drank it and i vow to never drink ENO again. EVER.

THE TASTE SO GELI LIKE SALIVA ONLY SOOOOO GELI YUCK

很烦啊！！！
想退出了，不想再为了支持一些自己根本没兴趣支持的事情做东西了。。
可是“责任感”同时也是一门必上的课。。。没有理由答应了人家结果又做不到。。
!@#$%^& assignment又多到屁酱，连组员都还没找到，老师讲课时我又情不自禁地放空，结果什么都不会。。。什么都不会！！！
pimple又多到丑到样衰到很想给自己两巴。。
天气又热空气又不好！
很想回到foundation的时候至少那个时候我无论做什么都很有成就感

:D

THANK YOU GOD THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR MY UNEXPECTED AND UNDESERVED RESULTS!
Was totally expecting two B- for my results last sem bcoz i didn't study At All until the very midnight before the exam for both of the subjects.
Was feeling very down after the exam coz i didn't know how to do.
But I got A for Computer Architecture and B+ for IT Infrastructure!
B+ is about one of the highest grades you can get for IT Infrastructure ==
And ok, i kinda disappointed my lecturer by not getting A+ for Computer Architecture (because my coursework marks were 54/60).
But Still.
I can go for my HPV injection with a happy heart now. :P
Turns out it's 2 weeks too early for my 3rd injection zzzz morning exercise is good for you but i'd rather not have it

New Wireless Headphones

Daddy gave it to me last night.. Original price was RM99.00 but there was a sales discount so he got it for RM69.00.

Actually i think it's quite expensive for RM99.00, because even though there's a so-called built-in microphone, it's really really weak and it's built in the ears there somemore... So if you wear it on your head and talk, must talk very loud only can hear your voice, VERY softly... Even the original built-in mic in my laptop is louder than this...

And this headset is really wireless ONLY, must plug in the USB transmitter (that thing in the middle) only can hear it... So it means that you can't use this headphone to listen to music from your phone or whatever...

But otherwise I'm quite happy with it la bcoz my headphones all rosak-rosak already... maybe it's becoz i'm rough and sometimes do a lot of unnecessary tugging to get them out of my bag, all my headphones get spoilt very fast T.T

This is me wearing it. As usual, please ignore the messy background.

my confession and sharing

2 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

I have always thought I was a Christian. I was taught to pray since I was a toddler, I've been to Sunday School, I've been to youth fellowship, I've been to bible study classes, I attend Sunday Service, I often serve as a pianist in church.

Darkness

However, instead of growing up in Christ, I began to grow away from Christ. I stopped going to youth fellowship. I stopped attending bible study classes. During my first few months in college, I attended Christian Fellowship and cell group gatherings, but then I stopped. Praying and reading the bible had never been a part of my daily life. I used to pray daily when I was a kid, but then I stopped. This year, I even stopped going to church when I was not at my hometown. I lied to my dad, telling him that I did go to church. I lied to the church members in Nilai who bothered to ask, telling them that I went home every week. During the beginning of the year, I did attempt to read the bible daily, but gave up after a few days. 

Skipping church, it used to be such a big deal. I remember on the first day of college, I overslept and missed church for the first time in my life. I called my dad and cried on the phone. Some months later, one Sunday morning, I heard the alarm clock ringing and I slammed it off, and continued to sleep. Hours later, I woke up and realized that I'd missed church again. I apologized profusely to God, and went online to listen to Christian songs, prayed, and read one chapter of my bible. But after that... it just seemed to get easier and easier. I would hear the alarm clock ringing, switch it off, go back to sleep, wake up later, and tell myself "oh no i've missed church, sorry God". Reasons why I didn't want to go to Nilai's church: 

1. I didn't have any close friends. Coz I was so shy and quiet and practically rejected all conversations by giving a shy smile every time someone talked to me, then immediately looking back down on my phone or on the floor.

2. I hated it. Hated standing alone, sitting alone, felt stupid. Hated the fact that even though certain people would occasionally be kind enough talk to me, but I was just too weak to carry on the conversation.

3. Felt like a waste of space in the church van.

In short, none of these reasons are valid reasons, though they were certainly the cause of my falling down... I was that shy. Even in my hometown church. But I couldn't skip that, because then everyone would know.

Well, it just got worse and worse. This year, I only went to Nilai church when it was my turn to serve as a pianist. It didn't help too, when one night after prayer meeting (I was only there because Pastor had requested me to be the pianist), I was sitting in the front row playing with my phone, waiting for the others to go home so that I could go with them, but then when I turned round, the church van had already left, and I'd been left behind. Thankfully another nice girl fetched me back to my hostel, but I still minded. A lot. As I said, it got worse and worse. I didn't even bother to set an alarm clock on Sunday mornings after that. I would stay up on Saturday nights until 8am in the morning, and then go right to sleep. What's worse - I didn't even feel bad about it. I would just casually close my eyes and say "Sorry God" and go about doing my own things afterwards.

Hebrews 10: 24-25

And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Yes, it had already become my habit. I used to tell myself, church-going is not that important, as long as I stay close to God by myself. But I didn't do that either. I was far, far away from God, as far as could be. Sinning like I didn't have a care in the world. Neglecting the Sabbath day. Lying. Thinking yellowish thoughts. Hating. Not praying. Bible lay forgotten in the drawer. Being a hypocrite. Never even thinking of leading people to Christ. But every time I went home, I still went to church, sang praises to God, prayed that I would change someday, somehow. But after that, I would go back to school, go through another "God-less" week, and miss church again.

I thought that my relationship with God would be getting better ever since I broke up with my non-Christian ex-boyfriend 2 years ago. I've said things like "I have God, I don't need anything more" to myself countless times during the months that I had just broken up with him. The thing is, I just said it. Didn't do anything about it. It was just to comfort myself. The reason I broke up with him wasn't even strictly because he was a non-Christian. Of course, I'd told him many times that I wanted to break up with him because he was a non-Christian, because we had different perspectives and he kept kissing me against my will. But I would always forgive him after one day. The actual reason for our final breakup in the end was because he made me jealous. I actually regretted breaking up with him after a few hours, and sent him a text requesting to be his girlfriend again. But thank God he rejected me, saying that it would be better to be friends first. And thus, this  very wrong, 2-month-long relationship was brought to an end, though it took me 2 years to truly let go of it.

G

2 months ago, I met a guy called G. Angel in disguise. We were classmates; he added me on Facebook. We started to chat on Facebook everyday, even though we never talked much in class (his usual sentences were "Mable", "Hi", "Do you wanna eat together?", and "Bye"... mine were "Hi", "No", and "Bye"). But from our conversations on Facebook, I started to admire him more and more. He was very active in clubs and passionate about ideas for school events, but that wasn't exactly what attracted me. What attracted me was his great ability to love. He loved his ex-girlfriend so much, it was really touching. He had a very very close relationship with his mother. I was a bit jealous (because I no longer have my own mother), but at the same time I yearned to know more, I wanted to borrow a bit of his warmth for my own, it made me feel warm as well. He loved his friends and was always willing and ready to help them. I started to like this guy more and more.

When the semester was almost over, we met up and had some real conversations for the first time. Then we started to meet everyday. Phone calls. We got closer and closer. Good friends. Best friends. Brother and sister. Even though we had known each other for less than 2 months, but I felt that I'd known him for 10 years, because he had told me everything about himself. His past, his present, what he wants for his future. His ex-girlfriend, his friends, his family, his relatives, his interests, his ideas, his bad habits, his hopes and dreams. Everything. And the more I got to know him, the more I admired him. I have never admired a guy as much as him. He has been through so many painful things in life, and yet they have combined to make him a much stronger and better person, instead of breaking him completely. His maturity level and the amount of knowledge that he possesses is way beyond his age (he's one year older than me). He has a high level of curiosity, thus the amount of knowledge. He plays the guitar and the keyboard. To tell the truth, he isn't really that good in either of them, but it's the effort he put in to learn them that attracted me. His earnest face while figuring out the melody of a song on the keyboard or guitar is much more handsome than the lengzai in my class. Oh and I forgot to mention that he has such a lovely singing voice. But even without these musical talents, I would admire him just as much, for it's the inside of the heart that counts.

I do not dare to say that I have never loved a guy as much as I loved him, but I can truthfully say that he is the only guy that I could see and want to spend a future with. All the past guys in my life (more than 10 i should think) were different, I were only attracted to them for two reasons: either they were strikingly cool and handsome (to me la), or they had been chatting with me online everyday. I never admired any of them, and even looked down on a few of them (sorry ah). G was the only guy that I'd ever admired as much as this. And he was the only guy that made me feel so safe, he was fond of me and would care for me, both my physical and mental wellbeing, and this was before he even started to like me. He only treated me as a sister at that time.

Another thing that I liked so much about him was his frankness - he kept nothing from me, to the point that he was constantly reminding and updating me about his feelings to me - from "i don't like you in that sense, don't think too much ar", to "i only tell you all this because i treat you as my close friend, don't think too much", to "i only think of you as my little sister", to "i don't like you now, but i don't know about the future la, maybe, MAYBE i will like or want to chase you in the future, but not now", to "actually i kinda like you now", to "i like you, and i really hope that i'm able to make you like me someday". He even made me be as frank as him -.- , one night he kept pressing me to tell him my feelings to him, and that's how he came to know the fact that i'd been secretly liking him for a long time already, even before he liked me. Originally I didn't intend to tell him this, because I wasn't ready to accept him yet. I'll come to that later.

Yet another thing about him that made me feel that he's the right guy was that he could accept all my flaws. My tendency to become jealous. His ex was as prone to jealousy as I was, so he was already "trained" in handling such matters. He is the type of guy that will try his best to ensure that his girlfriend will not be jealous, because he doesn't want to make her sad in any way. My skin problems. My mouth ordour. My laziness. My shyness. My inability to think of topics or carry on a conversation. My weight. My awkwardness. My inability to cook. And all that.

One of the ways he showed his love to a person was by changing himself (as long as the changes are in a positive way). I never really told him to change anything. One night (and that was before he started to like me), he asked me if I minded if he drank beer. I said no. Then he asked "then do you mind if your boyfriend drinks beer?". I said "ya, a bit lo." And now he doesn't drink beer anymore. He used to actively employ the use of vulgar words, but now he doesn't do it anymore. He used to eat meat much more than he ate veggies, but now he eats a lot of veggies. He knows i'm worried about his body condition (won't talk about that here), so he went to the specialist for a body checkup, just to set my mind at ease.

He was also a guy who planned ahead, a guy that i know i can depend on, unlike most of the guys of my generation.

How it all changed

What kept us from being together was, of course, religion. He said he believed in Jesus, but he didn't dare to tell his family, he seldom prayed, hadn't read the bible for a long time, and had never gone to church. He used to attend bible study about 5 years ago, so had a certain amount of bible knowledge. He said that he hoped that, even if he wasn't saved, that his parents would have the chance of salvation. He had hoped that his ex-girlfriend would try to spread the gospel to his mother, but she let him down. He hopes that I can do it.

That was what started it. I suddenly realized that I had been a "Christian" for 20 years, and never even attempted to spread the gospel to any of my friends. Reasons: I didn't know how to start, and I was afraid of saying it wrong. Because my bible knowledge is so inadequate. I only know a few more well-known bible verses, and that's because i've been hearing them in church so frequently, or they've been written in songs.

The prodigal daughter returned home

That's when I started reading the Bible. I started with the book of Matthew, 5 chapters a day, and am now at the book of John. The more I read, the more guilty I felt. It was the first time that I realized how lousy a Christian I was. I had followed none of God's instructions. I wasn't worthy to be called a follower of Christ, because, well, I wasn't. I had done nothing for Him. I hadn't changed anything at all. I was still living my old life.

I decided to change. I am now, finally, after more than 19 years, spending my quiet time with God each day, praying and studying his Word. (Oh and miraculously, so is G, I can't remember exactly what I told him though, but he has also decided to seek and love God, and we will be going to church together next week. )

And it's amazing how my life has changed. Ok for now, it's only on the inner side la, I'm still as zi bi and shy as ever on the outside. But still. I can feel that it's different. As I've mentioned before, before this, I have for a few times attempted to make a habit of reading the Bible daily. But after a few days, it always became a burden. I would spend less and less time on praying and reading the bible. But this time, the amount of quiet time I spend lengthens day by day. It has become a time of peace and pleasure, instead of just a daily routine that I force myself to go through.

I am also thinking before I act. No longer ignoring my friends who find me on Facebook. Learning to wash Daddy's plate after dinner of my own accord (coz he's the one who cooked it, actually i should have done this long ago but i dunno why it took me so long). Looking at each individual more affectionately. Every time the yellow thoughts strike, I pray to God to cleanse my thoughts. Every time emoness arises, I bring my problems to God instead of telling them to G. Learning to pray for other people. And also, I'm trying to control my temper. Even if I have to let it out, I won't let it out on Facebook. But I will try to control it so that I won't have to let it out, anywhere.

But I know that I'm still far from the girl God wants me to be. I pray that I will soon become that girl, before the time is too late. But the new life has begun; after all these years, I finally feel it. I am finally changed. I have this joy in me. The joy that can't be replaced by anyone except God, the empty space in my heart that is finally filled. I feel joy because I am so loved by a great God, joy because I have the ability to know him, to study his Word, to long after him. Joy because He has finally brought me back to Him. Joy because Jesus, Son of God, had been crucified and bore my sins for me on the cross, unworthy as I am... what more could I ask for? Why should I still long after earthly things? I used to think this "peace and joy" that people felt was just psychological effects, I didn't understand it, but now I do. You need to really experience it for yourself to know how it's like.

Prayer

My perspective about prayer has also changed. They used to tell me that God listens to our prayers, and answers them with either "Yes", "No", or "Wait". I used to think that - why pray, then? It doesn't change a thing. But then Jesus also said that, if we have enough faith, we can move mountains. Does that mean that if we have enough faith, there would be no "No" for an answer? Then why are prayers still unanswered?

James 4:3

You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

The purpose of our prayers should be to glorify God. Not for our own glory. If we really had enough faith, that means that we really love God, if we really love God, then we would want to glorify His name.

Ok, maybe if Mummy had woken up after her brain had been pronounced dead, it would be a miracle. It would certainly glorify His name. But God doesn't have to work through great miracles.

Because of Mummy's passing, both Daddy and Ah Gong had started to attend church. Daddy has changed so much and is serving so actively and passionately. Except for special days like Christmas and New Year, I'd never seen him come to church since young, but now he loves God so much, reads the bible so frequently, buys so many Christian books so that he can learn more from them. He has totally changed. Because of Mummy's passing, a Daddy that I once disliked so much (for absolutely no reason at all) has become a Daddy that I admire so much. He loves me so much even though I was so rude and hurtful to him for 14 years. I can honestly say that I have yet to find a man that treats and looks after his daughters better than Daddy treats me and my sisters.

I've always found it kinda difficult to comprehend why Mummy had to pass away just when I was at the peak of the stage of my rebellion, before I had a chance to tame down and apologize to her... We were quarreling so much towards the end. And it was all so sudden. She was still happy and all on Christmas, then on the 5th of January she suddenly passed away.

I still remember being slightly impatient at her forgetfulness towards the end. You can't imagine how I detest myself for that now. But what would it have been like if she were still here? I would probably still be as rebellious as ever. Quarreling and hating until now.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Trust

As I said, I've been bringing my emoness and worries to God in prayer. There was one big thing I've been worrying about, however it's more about myself, a more selfish worry.

I've never really stood firm about anything since I was a kid, because I'm kinda weak and lazy to think much, so I always follow the flow and accept almost all of what anyone tells me. But one thing that I've always been insistent about for 20 years, that is, I don't want to have children. There are so many reasons, and I'm going to list most of them out.

1. I'm scared of pregnancy. I've been frequently vomiting when I was a kid, and even though I haven't vomited for the past 8 years, I'm really really scared of vomiting. I would rather be beaten up 10 times than vomit once.

2. I'm scared of childbirth. Everything is going to be so agonizingly painful.

3. I'm scared of postchildbirth. The pain isn't going to end right after giving birth to the child. There will be many inconveniences and recovery will take such a long time.

4. Heard that it hurts a lot even to feed milk.

5. I'm lazy. Having a baby means sleepless nights.

6. I've never taken care of a baby before, never even held one. I don't know how to talk to them, carry them, change diapers, feed them milk, burp them... so many things I don't know.

7. I won't know how to handle emergencies, and am really afraid that my baby will die in my own arms.

8. I don't know how to teach. Scared that my child won't ever learn how to talk.

9. I don't know how to play with babies. At all.

10. I want to give my baby the childhood that I got - the songs, the happiness, the lullabies, the early storybook reading, the early piano learning. So that my child will grow up with fluent english and know how to play the piano. But I suck at explaining things. How am i going to explain to my child all the difficult words in a storybook, like how Mummy did so well last time?

11. Most important of all, i want my child to grow up with a firm faith in God, to teach my child to love God since young, to long after Him, to spread His word to others. BUT I DUNNO HOW TO DO IT. Coz I suck so much at explaining, as I said. How am I going to explain what is God?

K la that's all I can think of at a moment. The point is, G likes kids. Ordinarily, I would have told him firmly that I don't want kids at all, like how I told YMY last time. But this time it's different. Because it's G, not YMY.

I was very upset over this on the night that G asked me what time I would like to have kids, because I was really so afraid of having kids. But I didn't tell him this, I told God. And I was comforted. He let me know that even if I suck as a mom, my kids will still have a great great Father in heaven, and G as their father. And grandpas and grandmom and aunts and uncle. G is the type of person that I can depend on. That is, if i really end up with him la. So on the very next day i found myself daydreaming about a family with G and our kids growing up together with God between us. It was a very beautiful picture, and I hope it will come true someday. For now, I am just waiting for him to grow up, and will only accept him when he is spiritually mature.

But even if I cannot be with G in the future, I know that I will not be as broken as last time. Definitely not because I love G less than YMY, but because, now, I have Christ in my life, and there is no greater joy and comfort than knowing that.

Those three chickens have been taking it in turns to crow for the past 20 minutes.
What is there to compete about? U ALL SOUND EQUALLY BAD PLEASE.
They've finally stopped now, which is why i am typing so calmly. Ok comparatively calmly.
But just now they were really driving me mad. Like real mad.
Can't wait to go back to INTI, where there will be NO chickens.
But at the same time i dun wan to leave home leh. I just want those 3 chickens to go die that's all.
Btw, I bumped my shoulder on some really hard and sharp surface this morning, about 2 hours ago, and now it still hurts so much. =.= I dun remember when was the last time i'd felt so much pain, but the moment i bumped my shoulder i really 痛到傻了 just lay still with my eyes and mouth wide open for 10 seconds, like just kena murdered like that. =.= Poor shoulder. :(
Ah well. Nothing like physical pain and beh tahanness to drive the pangs of mild emoness away.
But they're starting to crow again now and i'd much prefer the emoness in exchange.