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Saturday, January 28, 2012

2012 cny

I've always destested / hated chinese new years. And I've never understood why everybody gets so excited about it each year. To me, it's just an event where all the relatives meet each other, and I become even dumber than usual (due to extreme contrast, coz usually i just shut myself up in my room and thus my dumbness isn't so noticable), and everybody keeps giving angpaus and we keep receiving them and saying thank you and happy new year and gongxifacai and all that.

Well, of course I'm grateful for the angpaus....and maybe the dinners at restaurants...but that's about it. ya. I'm not especially grateful for the sounds of firecrackers and fireworks at midnight. Not happy to be trying to make my unsociable dark face look happy, or at least neutral (coz i know i look horrible when i'm not trying to smile, i've checked it in the mirror and was horrified...-.-), but maintaining a neutral expression on your face can be so tiring sometimes. Especially when every part of your insides are screaming "I'm not wanted here. I don't want to be here. I don't belong here. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!". So ya. Dark face + dark skin...that's how I go through each cny...no sorry, it's how I go through most of the year actually. -.-

So anyway, this year was much the same. But actually, apart from the first two days of chinese new year, I quite enjoyed the rest of the days. Because, you know, it's a holiday after all. And ai am soh happeh that I've changed back from an owl to a human being. :D Well, maybe not a normal human being...maybe a sick human, that needs afternoon naps...but a human nevertheless. Let's hope I won't go back to sleeping at 6am and waking at 2pm when I return to school next week.

And I'm 19 this year. Sounds unbelievable, and looks unbelievable...some people think I look young for my age but many people think I look old too. But anyway I cannot believe that I am actually 19 this year. o.o but so far I've always answered 19 correctly when people ask about my age, though I never really feel that I'm answering that question for myself...feels more like I'm answering it for a friend.

And one more serious problem. -.- I really dunno what I want to be in the future. This is absurd..even primary school kids have their "ambitions", but I've never had one. And I'm 19 this year. But I've made up my mind lately...I want to take the job with the highest salary there is (that is, IF i can find a job) regardless of the working conditions...then earn a lot of money, then buy or rent a small house, and live alone. I don't want any housemates, I want to live alone (yes and that's why I need the money). I don't want to get married. This may seem weird too, but I am just not interested in getting married anymore. And less still in having a boyfriend or what. I dunno...but I'm actually afraid of getting one now (not that anyone wants me now)...it's so stressful and troublesome and such a burden, and most of all, I don't know how to belong to anyone. I don't know how to bear that responsibility. It's horrible...and now, I dislike him so much for no reason at all....he never did anything wrong, but i just dislike him more each time I see his face on Facebook, and I want to run away each time I recognize him in school...and sometimes I have to get really close before I realize that the familiar-looking person I've been staring at is actually him (which is not funny at all...what will he think of me!!!) and I dunno la...I just feel that getting into relationships are a lot of trouble and a total waste of time, and most of all, I can't give him anything at all. "Give him", as in "为他付出". I just feel so useless and different most of the time.

Plus, I can't do anything that a wife should be able to do. I assume that I will know how to make eggs edible by the time I find a job, and know how to cook a few simple dishes...but that's not enough, is it? And my skin is horrible. And I don't want to have children. I don't even love children, or know how to communicate with them at all. So I am not going to be able to fulfill wifely duties in the kitchen, bedroom, or home. And I don't even know how to care about him...and I'll be jealous 99% of the time...O.O i can predict that he will divorce me after 1 month of marriage.

So I want to get rich, and live alone, and buy a big TV, and all the nice DVDs in the store. And watch them all when I'm not working. And blog childish posts like this when I've got more free time, and when I'm in the mood. :D And buy pink furniture and eat chocolate everyday.

- the end -

5 comments:

Gail said...

Wahahaha pink furniture! Going to be very ex you know. very very ex. Stay in my house la and i'll rent you a room :p

Cupcake Princess said...

Or she can also stay with me, provided she keeps her own part of her house clean. And does some of the chores. Or shares the cost of a weekly maid with me. XP

Gail said...

oh my goodness. you have such nice awesome sisters you know.

alqew said...

zzz dun wan...i want to stay completely Alone lah...and yes i know it's going to cost a lot that's why i wanna get rich 1st lol

Gail said...

You know getting rich costs a lot of 'qing chun'? As in your case of your getting rich until can buy house in m'sia. Maybe you'll manage to do it by 35 years old :p