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Wednesday, September 14, 2011

College Life as I Imagined...

It didn't turn out to be that at all.
I'd kept wanting and waiting impatiently to go to college/uni ever since I was in form 4 or 5.
Especially during the periods when me and she weren't talking.
I felt so lonely, so unhappy, so lifeless, and I just wanted to bring all of that to an end.
And I wanted to have my own room, a private room, where nobody could find me without my permission.
I imagined myself to be like my 2jie...renting an apartment with housemates.
And I imagined myself eating every meal outside.
With earphones, nonetheless.
And sometimes, I would imagine having a certain "somebody" (that i was anlianing at that time) as my housemate. And I would have two more housemates besides him, and they would a couple already.
So we would be left alone together, and go out for walks and meals together, and Be together.
Then sometimes, I would imagine myself sitting on the grass under a tree in a sort of field or park, studying a thick book, and my prince would just pass by and fall in love with me and blablabla.
But the things I daydreamed about most was walking the night streets alone, listening to mp3, looking very cool and carefree and enjoying the solitude. This could be because of the partial influence of the song “牛仔裤日记”。。

And towards the date of departure, Daddy and all family members who kept telling me that if I continue being as unsociable as this, I wouldn't have ANY friends at all. And it would be a very sad thing.
And of course I was seriously worried about this...=.= but how can a person change herself just like that?
What would I talk about?
Would I have to live a fake hyper life during the rest of my future? I was so worried.

Then it was the day. The day I started a new chapter in my life.
But it's weird...the day we went on a school trip to INTI, the day of my registration at INTI and we were brought around the school, the day I first enrolled at INTI, the 2nd day of orientation week when we were brought around the school again. INTI looked so big, a maze, and I was forever in danger of losing my way. Every place looked strange during each of the times mentioned above.
But now...INTI looks different again, I really wonder why...but it doesn't seem to have any relation to the place that I was led around to explore so many months ago. It doesn't seem like the same place, and it seems so small (especially recently, when I am so lucky to meet Mr. X EVERY DAY i'm in school, at random locations and at random times. To Stalker: NO WE ARE NOT FATED!!!:@!!!)
And the first week was really different too. It was like I was a different person, living a different life. And I was soooooooooo worried because I couldn't seem to find my future classmates during orientation, all people in my group were studying degrees, or A-levels, or SAM.
Plus I only had that one friend, a guy. Whom I was gradually crushing on but very luckily he didn't know it and it was soon over in a month or so. Or maybe more. Anyway it was a breeze that came and went easily. =)

Anyway, I went to class. And it turned out that it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.
A shy girl came and approached me and asked me my name at the end of the first class, and then...I thought we would never work out as friends because both of us were quiet, unlike in secondary I didn't like her at first sight because she reminded me of a certain ex-crush's current girlfriend.
But is my most belovedest best friend :D and not so quiet after all. hahahaha.
To come back to my originally intended topic...the comparison between imagination and reality.
Nothing was like I ever expected. At all.

First of all, I was living in a hostel with many mafan guards and not in an apartment.
And I soon found out that walking alone at night, earphones or no earphones, was just an embarrassing, degrading, and weird experience. I mean, I really felt weird. Plus it was really quite scary. After a few times, I promised myself that I wouldn't do it again.
Who was to know that, after a few months, I would be walking the same streets, and more, and streets that were even darker, this time accompanied by another person. A person that has now left my life, and will never walk with me anymore. Anyway, there are some places that I will never walk to again, because unspeakable things have happened there, and I can't bear the memories, and I sincerely hope nothing like that will ever happen again, until I really have the right to let it happen. But not there, never there again.
To continue with the topic, I have never eaten alone outside too. In my room, yes. But outside, never. It was with that special friend for the first semester, then with him for half of the next. After it was over, my friend + friend 2 were impossibly nice...they forgot that I had virtually ignored them during "that" period of time. And after that, we would eat together all the time, until now. They were really, really nice, considering the fact that we're not even classmates anymore!

Who said I wouldn't have friends? I have them. They are few, but they are true. And unlike many people, I prefer having fewer friends, instead of a big crowd. I never feel secure in a crowd of people I know, but I feel happy and comfortable and safe in a crowd of strangers if there are 1 or 2 true friends there.
It's MY character, MY preference...why try to shape my mind and thinking with your own presumptions?

Many things about me have changed since I first came here.
The biggest change in me is my 洁癖。
Sadly, it's only limited to my room here...and didn't spread to my home == maybe it's because it's toooo devastatingly dirty at home, plus the floor isn't white so it doesn't show the dirt lol.
And another thing is, I eat biscuits like breathing. O.o I really can't imagine why I'm still 45kg lol. And how could I be 48.2kg last year? I really don't know lo. == It's really nonstop eating, eating, and eating, and washing it down with milo afterwards.
And also, I stopped going to CF after 4 weeks of going, and didn't join it at all last sem and this sem. I still join CG though. It's a sad thing that I've stopped going, I suppose, but I really can't mix in with them, and was just standing there alone most of the time, feeling so awkward, and was the first to go back all the time. Maybe it was because I was too shy, or maybe because I really seriously suck at english-speaking.
But the people that I was introduced to during the first week were really nice la, they still wave at me now. =)
Yet another thing that's changed is my imaginations about my 1st love. I really, really experienced and know now, that 相爱容易相处难,and that I am really NOT gf-material. I am just too selfish and childish and easily jealous and hot-tempered to be one. =.= And it really, really wasn't what I imagined it to be before. Maybe it's because of the environment. And I also didn't realize that I didn't love him...I was too selfish to change my character for him, and he irritated me immensely too with his own character. I learnt that it's important to become true best friends first before starting any relationship. So that you can understand that person fully, and know that you can accept every inch of him or her, before it's too late. And never force people to make promises that you know they can't and don't want and won't keep. we're just strangers. Not friends. He wanted to be friends, and we really were friends for a period of time...until he started ignoring me. :@ Anyway, I kept my promise to him...I didn't disturb him anymore since the assignment was safely passed up. But then he began to take the initiative to find me on facebook chat. I seriously don't understand this person. And I was quite cold to him.
Then, the last day of last semester, I posted a status about "it's time to go home and live a useless life", and he popped up in the chatbox and said "should do anything useful not useless." And I ignored him (dun ask me why =.=). Then after a long while, he popped up again and said "still friends, right?" and I told him I didn't want to be friends. Then blablabla and the conclusion is we're not friends anymore.
The reason I gave him (but I dunno if he understood or not) and another jiejie was, I'm scared I will fall in love with him all over again, and I don't want to be like this, 难以自拔。
But the true reason is, if I can't be his girlfriend, I don't want to be his friend either. I can't bear being just a normal friend to him,  just the same as his 100000000 more friends out there, maybe even less. Because he ai mei with them, because he cares about them, because he says I MISS YOU to girls a dozen times a day. But me? I just have to answer stupid and pointless questions, usually asked in a way that I can't understand and frustrates me. So, if I've failed as a something, then I don't want to be anything. Anymore.
At least...I'm still special to him in that way.

But please don't misunderstand. I don't spend nights crying about him anymore. In fact I've stopped about a month ago. =) Just last night, after seeing certain photos, I burst out crying for 5 minutes again... but this time it was different. This time it wasn't missing him, it wasn't regretful feelings, it wasn't guiltiness, it wasn't sadness or what. It was just...crying. I didn't know why I cried, but I knew that this time, it was really different. I was perfectly aware of the fact, and aware that I had already accepted the fact, that we weren't going to be together anymore, and we just weren't meant for each other. But seriously I don't even know why I cried, I don't even like him anymore. And he is already missing somebody else everyday...well, cheers to him for having such a speedy recovery...what was it...1 week? 2 weeks? Anyway I spent about 2 months getting over it... Since we've just been together for 2 months, it should be enough already, right? Right. It's really been enough. =)

 But one thing stayed the same in both my imagination and reality. I really, seriously enjoy my college life, tears and all. It's nothing like secondary school or the people from hometown (sorry ya). I love it and the people here. =)

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