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Monday, July 4, 2011

Me and My Ultra Emo

I can't!!!! T_T
Last Saturday morning I thought I had completely gotten over this...so happy and felt so victorious and all...
Then he called me, just as a friend, ask me if i can borrow a bag to him for the camp he's going to, but turned out i dun have any suitable bag... anyway, chatted about normal stuff (like assignments) for about 20 minutes...
It's been a long time since we've talked for so long on the phone, the last (long) time was during our sem break, when we were first together...
And the last time I remember talking to him on the phone was asking tearfully “你觉得跟我在一起会很辛苦吗?” and him answering “没有啦” in a not-very-happy tone coz he was in the middle of a nap.
Anyway, very normal and all...
Then at night dunno why suddenly i thought of us and some tears spilled out, but a bit only, really a bit only...
But last night I emo-ed in bed for 2 hours plus...crying all the time...
And just now also, I started crying and couldn't stop...kept thinking of him...us...no more us...
Am crying again now as I type this...
I don't even dare to go for lunch or dinner with my friends coz I'm afraid I'll suddenly start crying and they won't know what to do and it will be so awkward..
After all, last week also, I cried non-stop once i was alone in my room, then in class also crying but pretending to sleep...even on the way to class or on the way back to my room, the tears also want to spill out of my eyes...so difficult to control even though i'm walking in the public....
AAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! I really can't stop crying...I miss him so much and I hate myself for doing so... so 没有毅力...even he has gotten over it, why can't I?
I feel like such a disgrace...dunno how to stop...If it was only EMO, like dun wan to smile or feel very :@ to all the people around me, I wouldn't mind quite so much... but this is... I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF, CAN'T STOP MYSELF FROM CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!
And and and I can't stop myself from imagining how we would embrace and be back together again in no time...I CAN'T!!!!!!!!!! Like last time during the cold war with a certain friend, that lasted for half a year... I just can't stop these stupid imaginings. And the worst thing is that in the friend's case, that was okay, BUT THIS IS NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED to break up with him, the cause of all this is because i need to do so!!!!!!
Just so weak... Sometimes I don't even know why I'm crying... I feel like i'm degrading my own tears, by letting them leak out when there is no real tragedy to let them do so..
I really, really am not 习惯 with being friends with him... When he talks and chats with me in the way he does with other people... Although before this also almost the same... But, it just feels so sad and cryable to know that I'm just another normal friend of the opposite sex to him (he has A LOT and he's so nice to all of them, that's what made me jealous and first 冲动之下提出分手的原因, if not, maybe we would still be together even now, wrong as it is,)... I just find it so difficult to accept...
And he's going to this camp from wednesday till sunday... even though he's not my boyfriend anymore but i will still miss him so much and feel so pointless staying in inti for the rest of the week (same like last time in sec school, when my crush didn't come i would sooo feel like skipping school for the rest of the day and just go home)... I dunno.... I shouldn't be like this..
AAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
I did pray about this, but every time i prayed it would just result in me crying more than ever...
I really want the time to fly past... Fast.... Then when it's this time, next year, maybe I wouldn't care so much anymore.

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