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Friday, October 6, 2017

Getting super irritable and impatient lately. Barking at the littlest things. Feeling why can people be so stupid and when sometimes i realize that i'm the stupid one then that's even worse.

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I can't believe i managed to write out a full android app for my FYP just 3 years ago, and now i don't even know how to run an app from android studio! Much less how to put the app into my phone to test. As for how to design screens and code functionalities, that's even more hopeless.
Found and looked through my FYP documentation, doesn't make any sense.
Followed online tutorial but nothing works.
Damn how could i have forgotten when i spent so much time to learn it on my own step-by-step and even succeeded in writing it out.
Walao what a waste of time. What a bad memory. That's one whole semester of work gone.
Hope i'll remember it for a longer period after this project. A bit difficult to forget i guess, if they pay  maintenance fees. So unless i resign there's a slim chance of me forgetting ever again.
But damn how do you even start...

Saturday, September 23, 2017

lost

Met up with my best (probably only) friend few weeks ago. Why do some girls like to talk so much when it's already past midnight? There i was half asleep and she was gabbling on and on and reminiscating about our foundation year. About our little group back then. And how sad it was that we've lost contact with most of them, we should meet up and blah.
I'd give anything to go back to that time. Back to the time when less was more.
Back to the time when I didn't have my own spacious and clean room, decorated with cute blue furniture.
Back to the time when I wore dirty canvas shoes instead of high heels everyday.
Back to the time when I only had a dusty wooden cupboard stuffed with T-shirts and two pairs of jeans, instead of a big wardrobe overflowing with pretty dresses, blouses and skirts.
Back to the time when I was still playing with Bun-bun, Baby Jack and the rest.
Back to the time when there were classes, assignments, and tests.
Back to the time when there were events, and friends to attend those events with.
Back to the time when "shopping" meant taking the university's bus to Giant or Tesco. There were FOS and Reject shop outlets at Giant, and also Popular. And a gift shop at Tesco. KFC was there too. And that was all.
Back to the time when I first tasted freedom. But hadn't got lost in it, yet.

Too many voices, but I don't want to listen to any of them. Don't know who to listen to, don't know why I should even listen at all.
I feel like I'm standing on a very very small island. There's crocodiles on one side, and boats on the other. But I don't know whether the people on the boats are friends or enemies. They say they are friends. But.. they're just saying it. I asked them to please leave me some food. But they ignored me. But they say they are friends.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

付诸行动

最近已经到了一种连借口也懒得想的地步。不要就是不要,不想就是不想,懒得解释那么多,懒得编织出一个会被对方接受的理由,反正都是借口,反正大家也都会知道是借口。

“你”是对的,谢谢你愿意讲我,愿意教我说凡事都应该试试看,不要一来就拒绝,一来就说不要,没试过就永远不会知道会是怎样的。至少要试了过后,真的觉得不好玩,才来拒绝,不要一来就否定那样东西。谢谢你尝试把我变得不那么孤僻,即使知道你说那些难听的话我会难过,我会生气,可是为了我好,你还是说了。

其实很多事情我都是知道的,自己的缺点我当然比谁都清楚。只不过,愿意讲出你的缺点的人很多,他们都是关心你的人。可是愿意陪你一起面对,并且一起克服这些缺点的人,很少。会跟你说,“什么,连xxx你都不会!都几岁了”、“你真的要学了,都这么长这么大了,不能什么都不会”这种人很多。可是愿意主动说要教你的人很少。当你学不会,很坚决地想要放弃的时候,有人还愿意花时间说服你继续学习,说“你现在不学就永远都不会,等下别人笑你的时候你又不开心”、“没有人是一出生就什么都会的,我们都是慢慢累积经验,一步一步学会的”、“每个人成长的环境都不一样,所以擅长的东西都不一样,像你就很会读书,读那些英文字都读很快” 这一类鼓励的话。明明我也还是知道自己很笨,很没用,可是最后你还是成功把我说服了。

一直以来,因为自卑和爱面子的关系,所以变得什么都不会。怎么说呢,当我觉得自己很不会聊天,我就干脆不去聊天,省得聊到一半卡在那里很尴尬。我不会打球也不会运动,所以我从来都不参加任何运动,省得丢脸。我不会驾车,所以都坐grabcar。不会煮饭,所以不煮饭。不会喝酒,所以不喝酒。不好意思向别人请教,也不好意思学习,怕别人会觉得自己怎么会连这种小学生都会的事也不会。我会这么说并不代表我都已经学会了,我还是那个很没有用的人。可是有人愿意真心的把我变得比较没那么没用,比较独立,比较所谓的“正常”,我真的。。说不出来的感动,也很感激。

谢谢那个,愿意教我钓鱼的人。

Thursday, June 8, 2017

领悟

好像真的是凡事都要往利益的方面想,才不会吃亏。

一直以来都觉得自己好像工作能力差强人意,project一直close不到,整年只帮公司赚了那么一点点钱。

最近才领悟到之前是我太笨了,一直被客户牵着鼻子走。客户A的project已经跑着一年多了,他们有给maintenance fee(是包了fix问题和加小小样的东西),所以不管他们要求加什么改什么,我都第一时间做给他们。

客户B的project一直没办法live,因为他们的要求加了又加,改了又改。我花了几天时间做好的report可以说改就改,而且不止改一次,是五次以上,每次我都花很多时间做好,做好后他们又说对不起我们给你的又错了又需要改。又或者是,不好意思我有一个坏消息告诉你,你那个xxx report我们不需要用到了。md那个我也是做了好几天,你们的这些report不是画几个table画几条线出来放几个号码进去那么简单的。你们是用word打出来的说改就改当然容易,可是为了得到这些号码,这些sum 这些total,在你们选回之前的日期或者以后的日期都给你们看到当时侯应该出现的data,我几乎整个system 的 code都要改过。阿不然就是大老板来参加会议,每次来都爽爽说要改flow,而且是大改。可是还好这些时候我们老板都有在,会要求加钱。可是改来改去真的不好玩,我都花那么多时间做好了,你不要再一个月又一个月地白费我的青春了。。。

最近几个月越来越不爽,于是客户A每次找我时我就直接告诉老板问他要不要算钱的,他就会马上叫我send man days给他,超过一天半的都要算他们钱。哎呀我之前真的害公司亏损了太多!几天前客户A一次过签了好几千块的quote,才知道我早就应该这么做的了。

今天客户B又来找我了,说某function下个星期开会时要给他们看,可是那个东西他们之前开会时都没有提过出来的,而且很费时间。一直以来他们叫我加什么我都会照做的,可是今天压力非常大,听了电话后很想打人。于是我出于一时气愤email老板问他说他们之前给的钱有包括这个的吗,又或者是我们应该算他们钱的吗?然后刚开始做两分钟老板就马上回复我说不要做,这个是out of scope的,我们答应他们做的范围根本没有cover到这里。然后才想说天啊,我真的早就应该什么都跟他报告的,不能一直觉得这是小事还是不要打扰他好了。。真的亏了好多时间好多钱!

所以说既然好意思收薪水,就要让付你薪水的人不会觉得自己在丢钱落咸水海。因为他明明买了你的时间,你却把时间都白白送给了别人,这样真的很不对!

从这件事看出来我的另外一个缺点,就是我做事都太急了,又不爱问人,所以往往做好了才发现根本不需要做的。又或者是举例刚刚的客户A有另外一个system我做了一年多都还没有做好,为什么呢,因为我做好后才给他们看,他们很不满意,一直改改改几乎改到完。是accounting system来的。之前老板给钱他的accountant朋友叫他教我怎么做,可是不懂是我笨还是他笨,他每次过来我们公司都是坐在我旁边然后开另外一个web site(quickbooks)或者software(MYOB)给我参考,那个quickbooks他自己其实都不太了解,自己一直找来找去,又都load到很慢,我每次都觉得很浪费我的时间因为他坐在那边开几个page给我看就半天过去了了,所以最后都没有再叫他过来了。总之我每次问他什么,他都会叫我照抄quickbooks的。问题是有很多accounting reports我根本不明白是怎么做出来的,他也只会开一些不完整的或者是空的sample给我看,又不会解释,我根本不懂那些号码是怎么得来的。后来我都放弃了自己来,一个一个去google研究每个report的程式,奇迹似的我真的做对了蛮多的,其实很不好找因为我根本没有accounting的背景。

可是问题是,我之前都很懒惰过去客户A那里跟她开会,所以每次都是这个accountant去跟她开会,然后开出来的结果跟我讲一半不跟我讲一半的。耗了整年后我今年终于去教她们怎么用了,问题就来了咯,因为原来那个客户他们最讨厌myob和quickbooks了,因为myob太麻烦quickbooks又太简单,很多reports的format也不是他们要的。所以大改特改,又要加很多个我之前根本不知道需要存在的screen,那个accountant也好像很惊讶为什么我没有的,md你都没有跟我说过有这种东西我怎么会知道需要有它?!还好在这一方面客户A很谅解我。我从二月改到现在也只改了70%左右,现在还在持续每个星期去开会只是都没有叫那个accountant了因为觉得他真的相当xxx-.-,然后他们又继续说要改哪里哪里,可不可以加什么什么东西给我们,你现在辛苦一点我们以后会更方便。我也不好意思拒绝因为毕竟这个project也真的拖了他们很久。欣慰的是他们从几个月前绝望加无奈加不爽的态度,转变成了最近的有礼貌、凡事都用拜托的语气还会说谢谢,我觉得大部分原因也是因为他们也知道他们的要求有点超标了,而我的配合度也还都不错都会做给他们。至少,我现在过去开会时气氛都是好的,会比较开心,虽然前一晚还是会因为有点担心和紧张而睡不好。

好久没打这么多华语字了好累。

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Being dragged forward

It's been three years since I last updated here. Wish I could go back to the days when:

1. I could freely express what's on my mind and what I've been through, without fear of losing anything.
2. I could finish everything on the plate without getting severe nausea afterwards.
3. I could wear normal S-sized clothes without being told I'm too skinny and it doesn't look good on me.
4. I could go through the first few days of my period without screwing up my face in pain or going through emotional turmoil.
5. I could actually enjoy a peaceful, productive working day without having to spend most of the day checking/solving issues which were not caused by me, or adding some extra (free) stuff for the client. Then there goes another day without any work progress and the same client is complaining about how slow I am with her other project.
6. My phobia of the phone ringing was not yet as strong as it is now.
7. I could relax in peace without being disturbed by my thoughts.
8. I was actually willing to take the initiative to make small talk or act friendly.
9. Stress only came from assignments.
10. I didn't have to conceal my emotions.

Growing up isn't what I thought it would be like. It's not.. nice. At all.
I didn't believe it at first when they said this year would be a bad year for the people born in the year of the rooster, but I cannot deny that things have been getting a bit overwhelming lately.
The worst thing of keeping everything in is that they burst out some day, and they don't stop flowing out until you're totally drained of energy.

Today is actually a very calm and peaceful day, and I'm on my period, and I have nothing to do, which is why I'm updating my blog all of a sudden.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

一边笑得疯了,一边哭得累了,判若两人。。快要放弃了快要虚脱了下一个我又是什么角色?

咖啡麻醉不了孤单,只会让肛门更烫。
#laosaiafter2cupsofcoffee
#busydaybusynight
#emoallday
#still missing him. a lot.
Btw I've been going slightly crazy lately and hui xin is getting kind of fed up with me.
I can transfer from 花痴(我的supervisor很帅erh你看他的眼睛然后你看他少两颗牙齿的几可爱!)...
To big sobs with overflowing tears (他不要我了他要别人了怎么办)...
To maniacal laughing (哈哈哈哈哈哈你看这个图写什么哈哈哈哈哈)....
To crying again (我真的很想念他,很想回到一年前,我要他牵我的手)...
To fake 花痴(Johnny给我听的这首歌很好听咧你看他的歌词他的歌词!啊他reply我了哈哈哈哈哈,他今天还在公司特地播这首歌给我听咧)...
To sobbing again into Bobby (bolster)(其实我真的还很想念他的咧,我要他,以后都不会有人疼我了,以后都不会有人帮我捞面帮我搅lemon tea了,我很想念他呜呜呜呜)...
To seriousness(你觉得如果我跟Johnny在一起的话我会不会比较容易忘记他)...
To idunnowhatimtalkingabout-ness(其实Johnny真的不错他比Gary好很多啊,真的真的)((这时候Huixin会开始抓狂...
To sincerity(你看Johnny几可爱,他特地send这样的图片过来逗我开心(he edited his photo into a girl),很老套可是很贴心很可爱咧!(**花痴的笑声)可是他连续spell错三次laugh(spell成lough)我觉得我以后还是会顶他不顺)...
To emoness again (Hui xin 我真的很想念他。。。救命。。。(huixin完全没有打算理我然后继续跟男朋友Skype)T.T)...

So ya it's a bit disturbing to become my roommate. :/ She becomes from “哭吧哭吧,哭完出来就过去了” to “yerrr你真的有病,我不要跟你讲话了”...

And these few days i'm either laughing like a lunatic either in my room or in the office(hui xin: yer你可以不要笑到酱紫吗  me: 可是真的很好笑咧你看这个东西你看你看你看!)or crying like a baby.
In other words, 最近我的笑点和哭点都很低!Must be the hormones, maybe I'm pregnant with some faeces or something. 

Friday, October 31, 2014

昨天在手机里的某段小小的conversation过后,今早在巴士上J*h*ny就跟我讲清楚了,一开始时真的很像致词“首先我要跟你道歉”,然后过后就弄到我越来越尴尬因为他跟我讲他之所以会这么奇怪是有原因的。。是因为他发现到了我隐藏了21年的魅力然后嗯嗯嗯我就不知不觉地给了他一种前所未有的感觉,所以我就变成他第二个喜欢过的女生了。。。== 然后他一直跟我道歉然后叫我不要这么紧张(我一直望窗外然后对着窗口讲话-.-)。。然后他还说如果他以后还做了什么让我不舒服的事情,我心里想什么就要跟他讲什么,不用怕他会不开心还是怎样,因为我们都是成年人了(@@?)。
然后最后他小小声问了我一句“如果我真的追你的话你会怎样?” 然后我就毫不犹豫地说“嗯我应该会立刻拒绝你吧,所以你不要再浪费时间了”,然后他说“至少跟我讲一下原因吧?”然后我就说“因为我没有打算再交男朋友了”。 然后这个话题就结束了,他就开始聊眼镜什么的,然后我就问他看到这个吗看到那个吗。。之类的。。所以我们现在还是朋友,只是他不会再对我这么热情了。哈哈。

没想到那个口口声声说他再也不想交女朋友了的人在一个月以内就找到了新的对象,而那个真正不敢再交男朋友的人是我。
为什么我总是跟155cm的男生这么“有缘分”,这个已经是第三个了,唉!我没有在歧视小矮人,只是这个身高的男生性格都好像特别奇怪罢了(应该是自卑的关系吧==)。
好好的一个大好人,样子不错声音好听又对每个人都很gentleman,认识了两个月后却越变越奇怪,真的很可惜,如果他维持以前那样的话我现在应该已经暗恋着他了,可是他没有。异常的热情、过分的对我好、whatsapp里面超恶心的message。。。我会怕,真的很不喜欢!

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

开心不开心

最近有开心也有不开心。
不开心是因为有人分手一个月后就有了新女友,可是干我屁事。我根本没有权力去抱怨什么。。虽然还是有稍稍抱怨了一下,然后让Hairy睡地上。然后偶尔哭着把它抱回床上。很白痴对不对。很复杂的情绪。。非常鄙视和讨厌他,非常看不起自己为什么之前要内疚那么久,然后又很愧疚地想为什么我要这么讨厌一个曾经这么疼我为我付出那么多的人。然后再想他之前有没有真心喜欢过我还是只是想找个女朋友,然后又恨他恨到要死,然后又愧疚因为他是真的有很疼过我,然后一直轮。。。
开心是因为同事们真的都很好人,当我小妹妹一样照顾,每天都被他们逗得很开心一直笑不停。虽然我做东西很慢,理解能力慢,也常常忘记check好来,可是他们还是没有计较,尤其是我的supervisor,只是提醒我下次小心一点,然后继续跟我开玩笑。很开心,可是同时又很难过因为我要开始找工作了,我是真的不想离开这间公司。
然后大家姐星期六就要结婚了!♥♥
嗯就这样吧。

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Lately

5am and I can't sleep. Not in the mood to write a proper blog post so I'll just jot down some updates about my current life lately.

1. I've just started my internship on Tuesday. Boss planned to transfer me over to their new company so I didn't have anything to do. Same goes for Wednesday. Thursday Johnny brought me over to the new place. Still nothing to do coz there was only Chin Peng besides the 2 of us, and he wasn't my supervisor or anything. Friday went to work together with Chin Peng, my supervisor (Wei Yin) was there (again, only 3 of us, Johnny wasn't there), so I got some mini things to do.

2. I had quite a happy week especially on Thursday. Johnny is cute and nice and so is Chin Peng. Wei Yin is also nice but since he's my supervisor so he got a bit of 距离感 (nothing to do with age, probably bcoz he's very pro). I haven't met the boss at all. Don't even know what he looks like.

3. I'm single. Still don't feel like talking about it. I keep seeing him in other people, hearing his voice when they talk to me, wish they'd stop repeating what he's told me before.

4. Emo. A lot of pimples lately. Fat face. Very ugly. Insomnia. Feel like vomiting.

5. I'm done with this post.

Friday, July 11, 2014

心里的 _ 子

发现到心里的孩子很适合跟心里的狮子连在一起听!
首先它们的歌名很像,然后听了心里的孩子后一定会emo,所以就要听心里的狮子来激励自己。

心里的孩子


破滅的美夢  一個又一個
雖然心很痛卻還是微笑著
別人總愛說 妳已長大了
不能待在幻想裡面活著

學會化妝 去遮掩些什麼
學會先沉默 再察言觀色
本來的我呢 快不記得
我害怕我會習慣不快樂

在心裡 的孩子 扮大人 的樣子
一開始 有意思 後來雙眼總潮濕
在心裡 的孩子 盼誰來 講故事
讓不安失望 暫時靜止 

雷雨不來 又哪有彩虹呢
能自我安慰 是必修的課
不確定我是 變得隨和
或累得慢慢放棄了原則

在心裡 的孩子 扮大人 的樣子
一開始 有意思 後來雙眼總潮濕
在心裡 的孩子 盼誰來 講故事
讓不安失望 暫時靜止

在心裡 的孩子 後悔曾 很固執
太好奇 許多事 不顧後果的嘗試 
在心裡 的孩子 常祈禱 有天使
借一雙翅膀 逃離現實
不愛看自己 哭的樣子

心里的狮子


一夕改變的命運 一夜長大的必須
渺小的自己 假裝平靜
巨大的孤寂 卻騷動不已 

我們緊握著手心 眼睛微笑成星星
在子夜輪替 守護指引
外面太冰冷 就披上風衣 

帶著站在心裡的獅子
穿過更像叢林的城市
沒有意志 就沒有鑰匙
能打開未來做最想做的事 

跟著跑在心裡的獅子
優雅但卻勇敢地嘗試
擁有支持 才擁有天使
完成我一個人做不到的事 

有陪伴的人不害怕
不害怕的人最瀟灑
只要邁的步伐夠大
被貼的標籤會飛走吧

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Koko Krunch

So I was walking back to my hostel room from the academic block just now, and was feeling quite hungry, so I stopped by INTI Mart to go buy some biscuits or whatever, but couldn't find any biscuits that I liked.
Then I passed by the cereal shelf and saw that a free musical figurine comes inside each big box of Koko Krunch.
But RM10.80 leh. And as a rule I don't really like to eat Koko Krunch that much, and have never eaten it again since about 2 or 3 years ago, when I bought a big box of Koko Krunch just because I saw this guy inside the box.
His right leg can move up and down de leh
But then I got a sore throat and then a fever after eating the whole box in one night. So that's why I never bought Koko Krunch again after that.

But today this one.. hello it's a MUSICAL figurine inside leh.. you're supposed to fill it with water and blow it and it's gonna produce some sort of sound, and when you rub its back it's supposed to produce another sound. Walao! How to not buy?

However, I'm SO PROUD to announce that I did restrain myself from buying the big one. Even though I couldn't resist buying the smaller box for RM6.50 because it comes with a balancing figurine. :/ I bought it just because I was curious about how it would look like (never seen before ma). Definitely not because I'm a fan of collecting free stuff or whatever. Nope.

Oh so that's where my 48kg came from.

Free flask for the same price as no free flask, which would you choose?

Anyway. Here it is.










REALLY CAN BALANCE LEH SO FUN!

See got sticker some more leh
But now I'm kinda wishing that I bought the RM10.80 one instead. Musical figurine leh. But RM10.80 and sore throat. I must bear that in mind.


Thursday, June 26, 2014

只要是曾经对我很重要的人,他们的生日日期我一般上都能记很久很久,不管是中学的好朋友还是中学时喜欢过的那些人(说真的,好多)还是大学的朋友还是大学喜欢过的那些人(比较少)~
可是记得又怎样,现在我连一句简单的生日快乐都不想post在他们的facebook wall那边了,不是不记得,只是我很清楚自己在他们的生活中已经没有任何地位、没有任何意义了,所以即使是现在还用着某个人的生日日期as其中一个非常非常重要的密码(已经用了4年,越久我就越不想换,因为越久我就越跟那个人没有关系(虽然说本来就没什么关系==),就越难被坏人猜到,那个户口就越安全),我今年还是选择完全Ignore掉他的生日,然后ymy的也一样(tmd我现在才想起ymy好像从认识到现在从来没有祝过我生日快乐!:@ ),然后以前两个中学朋友(我以为)也一样(虽然我一直都没有跟她们很熟),TT和YH的也一样,其实我通通都还记得=.= 

p/s: 这个post我好像只是要证明自己记性好罢了 : - /
p/p/s: 真的很好XD

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

1st Job Interview: Expectations Vs Reality

Expectations
Gary sends me to KTM station early in the morning, I take KTM to KL Sentral, take LRT to KLCC, walk to Megan Avenue II. Megan Avenue II looks like a large, empty shopping mall. DMF Technology (company name) is an office-like-shop inside the shopping mall. I walk and walk and find it. 
I peek into the office. White lighting. People walking around, some chatting, some doing their work. I visit the toilet and take a pee, apply my lip gloss, smoothen my hair and shirt, giving myself an utterly decent and professional appearance.
Then I go back to the office, knock on the glass door, and timidly push open the door. I tell the girl at the counter that I've come for an interview session. She invites me to sit down and wait as it's still half an hour before the interview starts. Then the interviewer comes, a middle-aged Chinese man. 
I answer all his questions with my well-memorized answers, laughing politely at the right places, and ask intelligent questions about the company. I tell him that my programming skills are really not bad, and I like programming. I have good logical thinking skills. I'm shy and I need time to warm up to people and have problems in making eye contact. He replies that you're doing very well now. I beam in happiness. I tell him that one of my (supposed) weaknesses are that I need clear instructions before starting on a task because I'm afraid of doing anything wrong. He replies that that's very good. I give a decent answer to the "why should we hire you" question. And finally asks him "are you willing to hire me". He smiles and says yes. I laugh happily and we sign offer letters. He introduces me to all the colleagues and we dine together. I take the LRT and KTM home.
- END -

Reality
I go to Gary's house for dinner one day before the interview. Gary's parents are shocked to hear that I'm going to an unknown company in an unfamiliar location all alone. Gary's parents insist on sending me all the way there and accompanying me right into the office, because they're worried of my safety (afraid of me being cheated and raped and so on). I try to reassure them that I'll be fine and I want to learn to be independent. They win the debate and I wonder when will I ever be able to repay them for everything they've done for me.
Gary's parents fetch me to KL. Traffic jam. We reach Megan Avenue II. Parking space for visitors is super far down. Then we go round and round the building trying to find the office. By the time we find it, it's ten minutes late for the interview. The office is dark, black and red seems to be its theme colors, has a gongxifacai banner along the top of the doorframe, and is VERY SMALL.
Presses the doorbell of the office. A smiling guy comes to open the door and asks me if I'm Mable. I say yes and apologize profusely for being late. He says it doesn't matter. Uncle and Aunty sits down and waits for me to finish my interview and fetch me back, instead of leaving right away. Guiltiness++++.
Smiling guy (the nice one who answered the phone two days ago and taught me exactly how to travel to KLCC and walk to the office) takes me to a table and gives me some forms to fill up. He says he didn't expect that I would bring my parents. I explain the situation to him and he is even more surprised. He tells me to tell UncleAunty to go downstairs and have a drink first or something, because this is going to take some time. They don't want to at first, but after about half an hour or so they change their minds. 
Ok, to come back to me. I ask smiling guy who is going to be interviewing me, and he says that it was originally a software engineer, but as she's in a meeting, he will replace her as interviewer, but still need to gain her approval for an official job offer. Then I apologize again for being late and ask “迟到有扣分吗?” then he says “没有啦。:D” I'm filling in the employee application form happily, quite many pages, when I come to the end of the page and notice Another piece of paper laying comfortably below. IT'S A TEST. WRITTEN TEST. I glance at smiling guy who's doing his work nearby. I look back at the test. It's a test for us to write out simple functions. In whichever programming language we want. Should be easy. 
Then I realize that I've forgotten ALL THE BASIC FUNCTIONS that I've ever learnt. No choice. Have to invent my own code and go the roundabout way, write n lines of code when probably only 5 lines are needed. After about half an hour of me scrunching up my face, squeezing my eyes shut trying to squeeze some logic out, and glancing around for some inspiration, I accidentally drop my pen on the table and smiling guy turns around.
"Finished liao ar? ^_^ " he says.  Oh btw all our conversations were totally in Mandarin. 
"No," I reply wearily. 
"It's all very basic stuff la," says he. 
"I know, but I've somehow forgotten everything," says the reckless me, brain totally emptied of my carefully categorized 'What To Say' and 'What Not To Say'. "Can I use Google?"
"Hahaha that's considered as 出猫 la," says smiling guy. "If cannot do then just leave it blank la, really never mind de."
"NO NO NO I can do it, just give me some more time," I plead, and proceed to struggle with the really basic functions.
Finally I finish. Smiling guy comes over and looks through the paper. "Wah, not bad ma, can finish leh, correct somemore."
"What? Correct meh? 2nd question confirm wrong I tell you," says someone who's so stressed over the test, that she isn't bothering to filter her thoughts.
"No la that one was just to test whether you are willing to complete it or not, some people just give up on the spot." And I was like :O okay. Then we had a conversation but I don't remember what we said. I just remember that it was so normal that I totally forgot that I was going to be interviewed. Something like him telling me that there are a few interns leaving in July so they're in quite a rush to find new interns now, and him asking me about my internship period, and saying that usually other students are 6 months one (while mine is just 4), then I told him that I really don't mind as long as they hire me (wtf desperado over here), and he said “真的吗等下耽误到你毕业” and me saying "nvm毕业不重要” and so on. 
“So...我看过你的qualifications全部都很Ok。来现在可以跟我介绍一下你自己吗?”
“Oh ok... ermmmm...”
Thirty seconds fly past as I struggle to capture fragments of my carefully prepared answer script to the Tell Me About Yourself question.
“Erm...那个。。。我真的有准备的可是我忘记了我要讲什么。。因为我都是准备英文的”
“不用紧张,慢慢来,英文的也可以啊”
“Erm.....可是英文的也忘记了。。。。。你想知道什么?”
“什么都可以啊,你在学校读过什么那些。”
“Erm...我们有学programming还有很多theory那些,其实我的programming是不错的可是通常过了一个sem后就会生锈了,所以C啊C++那些我通通都忘记了的。”((什么烂答案
“哈哈不用紧啦,做下做下就会记回来了的。”
“可以用Google的哦?”
“当然可以啊”
“那就没有问题了咯。。然后我在你们的网站那边看到你们有做那个biometric device的hor那个我不会咧。”
“哦,那个不用你做啦,不用担心!”
“okok...然后你们这里只是用blablbla软件罢了Hor?”
“嗯,还有crystal report~" 
“那个我不会!”
“放心啦会教你的啦”
“嗯好好 ^_^”
“嗯,继续介绍你自己?”
“Erm...优点缺点那些可以讲吗?”
“可以啊可以啊全部都讲什么都讲”
30秒后。。。“我可以看笔记吗,我真的忘记了。。。"((其实我有记得其中一个是说我的Logical thinking skills还不错,然后i'm able to meet deadlines。。。可是after刚才那个笔试我到底还有什么资格讲出这种话?
“你觉得咧?~~~”
“不可以,可是我是真的忘记了~~~”
“那个~如果真的是那种上司interview你的话你下次真的要做好准备咧,不可以像现在这样”
“我真的有准备有背好好了的咧,可是刚才考了一个试后就忘记了,我现在给你的印象是不是很糟糕!”
“没有啦没有啦~ ”
“这里的老板是哪个?” ((快速转移话题
“里面那个,今天没有在噢”
“老板凶的吗?”
“不会阿,老板很好笑的啦”
“这里有凶凶的人的吗?”
“嗯。。是有几个啦呵呵呵”
“会跟我有关系的吗?以后如果我进到来的话会接触到他们的吗?”
“应该不会啦 :) ”
“做么你们公司的人都这么静的都没有讲话的?”((因为突然感觉自己好像有点吵
“因为他们大家都在做programming啊,根本忙到没有时间讲话。”((倒吸了一口气,心里想我以后应该惨了
“我看到那个工作内容,intern真的是会接触到整个SDLC(software development lifecycle)的吗?”
“对啊对啊,什么都会丢给你们做”
“哦,我就是因为看到那个所以我觉得应该有很多东西可以学。。所以我们需要出去见client的吗?”
“是真的很多东西学阿,不会给你一个人去的啦,可是会给你跟着一个senior去”
“我需要讲话的吗?可以做笔记的吗?”
“不用讲话的啦,当然可以啊,是给你去看下要怎么跟client谈而已”
“如果我静静的话client会不会觉得我很奇怪?”
“不会啦他知道你是trainee啊”
以此类推。。。。我后来继续像机关枪似的问了一大堆有的没的的问题。。。关于公司网站上面的资料的,关于公司的,关于工作内容的。。== 变成好像我在interview他了。。。然后那个tell me about yourself 如我所愿完全被遗忘掉了。说真的如果要我跟他讲我的biggest weakness是Shy的话,那个时候的我真的没有脸说出口。。。interview那时候的我只能用两个字形容:三八。原本准备了3-4个很有水准的问题,结果问了至少50个各种各类的问题,而且重点是我问问题的pattern一点都不是一个professional interview candidate应该有的,比较像是一个小孩对某件事情很好奇然后一直有问不完的问题。。。
真的。。遇到这样的interviewer不懂是好还是坏,因为他就是一直以跟朋友聊天的方式跟我沟通,所以我很放松可是同时也很担心,所以变到异常的38!我原本想要塑造的那个“斯文,有气质,单纯却又有实力”的形象跑哪去了!现在完全是个很三八,很吵,完全没有见过世面,对大人的世界感到很好奇,却什么都不会做的小屁孩在那边滔滔不绝的耽误他的工作。
没错每当电话响一次然后他跟我说“等一下啊”的时候(电话响了好几次),我都会隐约的觉得我自己很啰嗦,aunty uncle还在楼下喝着茶等着我,smiling guy应该也很忙,是时候结束这场非常不正式的interview了。。可是每次他讲完电话后回来都会跟我讲一些新的内容然后我又有新的问题。。。
。。。
总之,到最后,他一直跟我讲“我觉得你应该ok的啦,没有问题,我等那个software engineer回来跟她讲,她同意了就ok了的”,然后我一直很怕他只是想当好人不想毁掉公司的形象。
然后踏出公司的门的时候我就找不到电梯,原来电梯就在门旁边(我哪记得),然后他就跟我说“你真的hmm...还蛮年轻的。。。像你这样真的很容易被人家骗走,还好你遇到的是我们不是什么坏人,以后出去真的要小心一点。”(p/s: 他所谓的“年轻”可以直接被翻译成幼稚。)

然后Interview就结束了。然后他刚才就打电话来说有好消息就是那个Software engineer刚开完会回来然后决定收我了。然后他跟我说可以不要急着接受这个Job offer先,可以先try下别的公司,不然以后后悔就来不及了。可是最迟月尾要给答复。

然后我现在还在想明天应不应该去OCBC Bank的 interview然后尝试下一个超正式的 interview的滋味。可是我真的不想。而且也并没有打算去那边工作。可是又怕后悔!

然后那个DMF虽然那个interviewer他人真的很好,可是如果连我这种人都收的话,他们应该真的缺人缺到一种危险的地步吧。。。难以想象以后自己也会变成那种忙到没有时间说话的样子(应该2天后就要住院了吧,我刚才回到来就直接夏眠到凌晨两点多了)。。。然后我在jobstreet看的时候,8 applicants for this position (10 internship positions),while其他公司都有十多个到四十多个applicants在争5个internship positions。。。。

应不应该咧?可是就像我说的那样,应该可以学到很多东西,然后工钱也ok(RM700对我来说真的超多),只是现在还找不到地方住罢了(可是这个不是重点)。

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Daddy把榴莲树砍完后,我还以为再也不能用“很多树的那间”来向外人形容我们的家了。
可是后来Daddy开始种菜了。


。。。依然是那间“有很多树”的家。。。

Sunday, May 11, 2014

悲。观。

第七年的这一天,我只想以逃避的方式度过。
什么时候才能乐观地面对这回事,什么时候才能学会以感恩的心态来面对,我真的不知道。
把妳带走也就算了,可是为什么那些回忆也要连同一起剥夺。
现在记忆中的妳的画面只剩下:
1。2007年吵架吵得很凶的那两次
2。五年级地方研究考57分被打得很严重(然而我记起的不是妳而只是藤鞭的痛)
3。妳进医院的前几天:坚持自己洗衣,把subang说成supermarket,把medicine说成toilet paper
4。病床上昏迷的妳
5。棺木中的妳
6。没了
这些东西到底有什么好记的????!
而现在也只能不断地翻着旧相片,试图翻出一丝丝的回忆,然而看着看着也只觉得自己在看着一群陌生人的故事。

虽然说即使真的记起了也没怎么样。可是就是很想抓住这些回忆。
从日期中可以看得出这就是我们的最后一张单独合照。谁也没想到不到两个星期后妳就莫名其妙地进医院然后故事就结束了。

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Facebook帐号里的1760个好友原来真的只不过是一个数目-.-
原来要找30个出来填一份问卷都这么难。
姐姐帮我share了男朋友帮我share了,我自己也在private message那里一个一个找了一堆人~
一堆已读不回的人-.-
3天里面才找到29个人~ 我的人缘也实在太差了-.-

Friday, March 28, 2014

Getting so tired of seeing "Haters gonna hate" on various photos and videos all over facebook.
Please la don't be so drama king and drama queen, nobody's even remotely interested in hating you.
Grow up.

And Also. To those China people who keep complaining about Malaysia and Malaysia's Government.
To those Malaysian citizens who are quick to defend themselves by saying "IT'S OUR GOVERNMENT'S FAULT, NOT OUR FAULT, IF WANT TO BLAME BLAME THE GOVERNMENT, WE ALSO ASHAMED OF OUR GOVERNMENT" and sharing stuff like this on the internet (saying how useless our government is, see, even outsiders are scolding our government).
HOW OLD ARE YOU HAR? Don't tell me you didn't watch the video of the Indian Ocean. If you so clever then you go find the plane la?! Walao! And even receiving the help from other countries is deemed as "useless"? Ok lo then why don't you represent our country and go find the plane on your own. Then you'll make Malaysia have something to be proud of. Zzz really feel like unfriending a lot of people lately. Or leaving long comments in capital letters under their posts.

As for the China people i really no comment liao. I know grief can do a lot to a person. But that's no excuse. And I don't believe all of those who are scolding about Malaysia are really sincerely grieving. You just want to cause trouble that's all because you're childish like that.

Monday, March 24, 2014

Why tell us to keep on hoping when all hope had actually ended 16 days ago?
Why promise and break promises?
Whom can we trust anymore?

RIP MH370, RIP church-member. May all family members, relatives and friends of those on the plane stay strong and their wounds eventually be healed.
Event终于结束了,assignments却要死了~
从这次的event中真的学习到很多东西,真的很多,同时也再次深深地体会到“大人的世界真的很恐怖”这个道理。
- 完 -

Monday, March 17, 2014

Things are getting too much to handle.
Just finished crying and shouting aloud to nobody "dun kacau me i already have so many things to do u think i'm very free is it".
Schedule for this week is totally packed and i have 1 assignment and 1 test due this week, and 2 heavy assignments due next week. This weekend cannot do any work at all and have to wake up before 7am from Friday to Sunday. Tomorrow whole day totally no time to do anything starting from 8am until about 12am like that. Thursday also no time to do anything and i have a test on Thursday.
And still u are asking me to book this book that, ok fine this is not a problem, but after i already booked the thing for 1 or 2 weeks later u suddenly tell me to change the thing to another thing. And it's not once only but multiple times. U think i very free is it? always so last minute. U think printing and reprinting memos is free is it? I swear i've spent at least rm100 on the printing costs of this club.
I'm not even interested in this stupid tournament wtf drag me in and dun allow me to quit, told me i will have less things to do than last sem! Shit, i can understand if u want to 费心费力 about this thing coz it's ur passion, but i have never even touched a badminton racquet in my life nor do i want to touch the thing!
#hatesthewholeworld
#nervousbreakdownontheway
#stressuntilkeepcryingshitloadsoftears

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Random Pics

Just wanted to update my blog so here's some random pics of toys and me.
Nosey and angpao

MaLingShu

Balloon and ET
The balloon was given out for free during Valentine's day and it's still in my cupboard, large as life. And I dunno what to do with it coz it doesn't look like it will deflate anytime soon (at least not before I go for internship in September) and I don't like to burst balloons. And it came with a RM50 Fahrenheit free voucher which is expiring at the end of March.
Super ugly
Super ugly x 2
This is me after crying nonstop for just 1.5 hours. 1.5 hours and I already became like this. Eyebags became white and swollen and i single eyelid until the next day's afternoon nap. -.- I put these 2 pics here to remind myself to never try this again the consequences are really too terrible.


Fully recovered and decided to zilian with dear little HBB. ^_^ He's the only toy I kiss every time I see him, and it's not as if he's very kissable either (too hairy for my preference, i prefer fat white faces like Baby Jack)... it's simply because he's too cuddly and cute.

The haze in Nilai is quite horrible but better today. At least it's breezy today.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

See this is why i have to restrict you all the time.
Stop it please, you're not being friendly, just being damn annoying.
Stop sharing my stuff on Facebook.
I don't mind if they're links, or even statuses with useful information.
But personal statuses?
PROFILE PICTURES?
Profile pictures were the main reason why i restricted you in the first place. Sharing my photos is already considered as a big offence to me (regardless of your reason, i know you were just being proud of me but whatever). Sharing my SAME photo THREE TIMES is too much.
So I restricted you.
And then yesterday i forgot and set my status as public and you had to share it again.
...
What's the point even.... -.-

Thursday, November 28, 2013

我很生气

hate unfairness. 做到像狗酱,没日没夜,结果分数还不是跟什么屁都没做的人一样,甚至更低,真tmd不爽,为什么有些人就是能每次什么都不做的时候拿到跟我一样的分,在其他assignment比我多做一样东西的时候就比我高分(不过其实事实上我做的分量还是比较多)。

然后几个sem后就说咦?上几个sem的assignment我怎么弄丢了,那时候做到这么辛苦。。。事实上你一粒米都没有写到,当然不在你那边!你辛苦,你辛苦什么,人家一个人赶了好几天好几夜,然后你在最后一天晚上出来“一起做”,其实只是帮忙“找资料”,却什么资料都没有找到!

我真的,原本不想显得这么小气的,可是现在心情真的很差很差很差。。。很不爽很不爽很不爽!

明明就不应该不爽你(们)的,因为我知道你(们)平时都对我很好,人也很好,可是谈“分”伤感情,我是真的很不爽!

还有那个system,为什么分数这么低,老师你的要求我都有做到了,你还想怎样?!当初不见你给多一点requirements!现在全班最低分是什么意思?!ecommerce website原本就不能拿来跟game比较啊?!背后的努力你看见了多少?你如果还有什么要求你不会说清楚??你要的东西都做给你了结果分数还扣扣扣!什么意思!有本事你做啊你做啊?!

Monday, November 25, 2013

i thought this is group work? y like every piece of shit also need me to do?
documentation also u cannot do? system also cannot do? email lecturer also cannot do? print document also cannot do???
ur hand patah or what? i thought 5 people in a group? y like only 1.5 people doing the work???
really fed up liao this time. luckily next sem is the last sem that i will have the chance to group with u guys.
all i can say is.... all the best to ur future colleagues.